Yes, yes I am

At breakfast this morning:

Josh:  Mom, if you could fix your leg by eating hummus every day, would you do it?

Me:  Of course I would!  I eat hummus almost every day anyway.  What if you could get super powers but you had to eat hummus EVERY DAY?  Would you do it?

Josh:  *grossed out face*  NO.  But if there are super heroes, there’d be super villains, right?  So I guess I’d just be a super villain.

Me:  No, no, no, it doesn’t work like that.  You’d probably have to eat something to get super villain powers, too.

Josh:  Like what?

Me:  Mmm, like….onion and pepper salad.  Every day!

Josh:  Ew!  Forget it!  I don’t want powers.

Me:  Well, you know I eat hummus almost every day and salad almost every day and I have peppers and onions in it.  And I’m not a super hero or a super villain.

Josh:  So…you’re Deadpool?

Me:  …Yes.


Aaaand that’s how I became Deadpool.


Posted by on April 21, 2014 in children, entertainment, home, life




Scene:  Josh is sitting next to me in my king sized bed working on math review.  Easy stuff, addition and subtraction, regrouping, etc.  Robin is in trouble, standing in front of my dresser in time out because she refused to spell the word “four”.  Wendy is laying on a blanket on the floor in front of an overturned storage ottoman, repurposed as a dog house.  Jake is snaking his body around my head in an attempt to get me to stop typing.  He keeps bothering Josh and trying to stop him from doing his work, so one of us has to sacrifice.  Jake has just now moved to nap just close enough to Josh to periodically flick his tail onto his clipboard.

* * *

I’m in a lot of pain.  The knee thing has really progressed to the point where I’m in pain all the time.  It’s advanced osteoarthritis in my knees and I had an MRI done yesterday to see what’s going on with the soft tissues in there.  I’m going to assume some damage because when I walk it doesn’t just hurt in my knees, but up and down through the femur and tibia.

That’s no moon.

I’m not a rocket surgeon, but I don’t think my bones are supposed to be all jaggedy like that. My actual doctor agreed with me and sent me to the orthopedic surgeon who made a face when he poked around my knee and sent me for an MRI.  I have the MRI pictures, too, but it all looks like cross sections of ham.

Except my leg looks disgusting, and this looks delicious.

* * *

After some serious consideration about Wendy, we have decided to keep her.  I have been in contact with Dream Dachshund Rescue and while Wendy would be a good candidate for an adoption, there just isn’t anywhere for her to go right now.  There was a lot of back and forth on what to do with her, how to take care of her, etc and ultimately, I just feel like I need to redouble my efforts to take care of my dog and keep my house clean.  It’s not easy, but I love her and honestly nothing is ever fucking easy.  Ever.

Look at her scarf. LOOK AT IT!

* * *

In other news, my son took his green belt test for Tae Kwon Do, turned 7 and we all went to LegoLand.  It was a busy weekend.  To become a green belt, he has to join the National Taekwondo Federation:

So cool!

and he had to write an essay with his application:

I didn’t write it for him.

Proud Mom is proud.

 Holy cow.  I never get any good pictures of him testing because I try to stay on the furthest side of the room so I don’t distract him.  He is always the tiniest kid in his group though:


He just got moved to a new class, presumably because he just turned 7.  Pretty soon he’ll change classes again, I think, to be with the green belts.  I’m weepy and proud and excited for him.

He picked the yarn because he’s an old man.

In other news, I shouldn’t have a seven year old.  I can’t even take care of a plant.  He had a great birthday and I was happy to do all the work even though I was totally unprepared and literally had to take a bunch of narcotics to dull the pain in my knees.  I stayed up until 2 AM the night before making sure everything was done for his birthday, even running out to Kroger past midnight because I didn’t have enough candles.  Who doesn’t have enough candles for her baby boy’s birthday???

Laval and the happiest 7 year old ever!

Legoland was a total hit and very affordable.  We spent hours there, ate lunch, watched movies, rode rides, built stuff, tore stuff up, etc.  Perfect.  They even have an adult night which is awesome.  I love how adults are not allowed in unless accompanied by a child.  Because you know there are weirdos out there and that’s the last thing you need to see is a 30 year old man fighting with a  year old over the last Lego brick.

* * *

Josh is done with his work for the day and Robin is finally out of time out and working on subtraction next to me in bed.  I’m about ready for a nap, but I probably won’t get one.  My plans for next few weeks are:


Here’s to keeping my plans.

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Posted by on April 1, 2014 in children, entertainment, home, life


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Photo Dump: Decrepit Old Lady Edition

I haven’t been posting and now I feel totally shitty.  Coincidence?  I THINK NOT.  I have the cruds today and I’m not getting out of bed.


1.) This is an old picture, but it was my attempt a month ago or so to make a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pancake.  I got the mutant part down.  I need a better squeeze bottle if I’m going to do this again and not traumatize my children.

My sweatshirt is orange.  Click to embiggen!

2.)  I have been having too much fun with NPC Comic.  It amuses me much!

I done got my hair did.

3.) As per my ChÜberlist: 2014 I was going to donate my hair but upon closer inspection, I actually didn’t have long hair, but a very elaborate network of straw, grass, tumbleweed, and a tiny nest of baby birds.  In other words, previous hair dyeing and general neglect made me decide that my hair wasn’t donation-worthy.  So I’m now 10 inches lighter and all the unhealthy garbage is gone.  Maybe next time.  *big fail sigh*

So…this is my life now.

Or more appropriately, Wendy’s sad life.

4.) I’m going to be selfish for a minute and say I never wanted a dog with so many fucking problems.  So many expensive fucking problems.  Fingers crossed that this is only a bladder infection and her constant leaking all over the couch/ottoman/chair is done with.  $45 vet check and medication, $30 dog diapers WTF, $230 to clean and sanitize the furniture.  Laundry every day.  And let’s remember that we still need a $200 blood test in a few weeks.  Let me be clear:  I love my dog.  She’s loyal and loving and funny and sweet.  She just has so many problems right now.  And frankly, I can’t take another pet death.  I’m fucking traumatized and it’s just too painful.

Bite my terrified metal ass.

5.) I’m going to the doctor next week.  I get cruds that don’t go away, I have a knee that won’t work and then there’s everything else that’s wrong with me.  I hate going to doctors and dentists because I’ve had some terrible ones.  Terribly unprofessional ones.  But seeing as I’m rapidly aging and I spend more money on the dog going to the vet than I do on my own health, I should go. It would be great if I had some anti-anxiety meds left, but for that I need to go to a fucking doctor. Bad catch-22.  And I don’t like setting a bad example for my kids.  And I probably want to live and all that.  


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Posted by on March 6, 2014 in entertainment, life


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My skivves are all in a wad over a sign I saw at my local chain BBQ place.  I passed it on my way to the restroom and ignored it until the last line triggered all the alarm bells:

Oh, you really said that Shane? REALLY? DID YOU REALLY?

I’m full on, fan-girl annoyed.  Did they think no one would notice?  Are you serious?

Nerd rage!

From the classic episode, Lisa the Vegetarian:


This line sparks this amazing and iconic song and conga line:

If you can’t sing this song we can’t be friends.

Seriously, is this even legal?  I’m overly anxious about quote from an animated character.  If it was your fandom being infringed upon, you’d be all up in arms, too.

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Posted by on February 10, 2014 in entertainment



Tough Mom

You are cordially invited to my pity party!

For me. All for me.

Let’s talk about Tough Mom, and how she subsequently became cry-baby-in-public Mom:

Without getting off on a tangent, I had a Tiger Mom and for the most part thought I was, too.  Until I realized that my tiger mothering has been pretty diluted by growing up with a Western/modern point of view.  However, compared to most parents that I’ve encountered, I seem to be pretty strict and non-permissive. I do everything I can to give my kids the things they need (first) and the things they want (second).

After our winter/Christmas break, Josh had been on a real tear of assholey behavior: mean to his sister, arguing about everything, the ever inflammatory silent treatment, refusing to do his schoolwork and he even threw a temper tantrum in the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot.  This build up of shit behavior culminated in one of the worst punishments ever:  no green belt test for Tae Kwon Do.  Yes, worse than when I took Halloween away.


The worst part is that Josh can be so good.  He’s very much a first born son and is fairly responsible and mature for his age.  So after the dust settled, he understood why he was not allowed the privilege to test at the beginning of January and would have to wait until the next cycle in March.  He is beginning to understand which lines not to cross and which ones can be tested.  And that when Mom lays down a punishment, she means it.

Yesterday the kids got their results back and had their in-class belt ceremony.  His friend got to test and he didn’t.  His friend is moving to a different class on a different day and Josh isn’t.

He wasn’t sad about not getting to test for his green belt, he was sad that he wasn’t going to see his friend for the next two months.

I’m a winner.

The rational part of me knows that it was his behavior that lost him the opportunity to test.  That he had been warned that the option to test was something he could lose.  I justify in my head things like “at least I don’t beat him with a stick like my Mom did to me”.

But fuck being rational, I feel like shit.  Watching my baby cry while sitting on the bleacher trying to put his shoes on was more than enough to make me cry.  His master instructor coming to remind him that it is not his technique but his behavior at home that kept him from testing made me cry.  Her reminder to me that what I did was the right thing made me cry.  Footnote: he refuses to talk about the green belt thing now, and didn’t even mention it in his journal.  I don’t know if this is a good thing (he’s totally over it) or a bad thing (he’s internalizing this and now we can isolate the tipping point for when his life was ruined).

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Posted by on February 5, 2014 in children


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