entertainment, health, life, news

Chris Cornell

Before I begin, please, if you’re feeling suicidal or just need someone to talk to, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741 in the US.  Here is a list of crisis lines by country.  Or fucking send me a message, my sleep is garbage anyway.

I wanted to take a break from my usual and talk about Chris Cornell, and I’m writing this so that maybe I’ll stop thinking about him.  I’m not writing this to debate or speculate if he intended to commit suicide or if his prescription medication altered his state of mind.  The ultimate fact is that he is gone painfully too soon.

I would never say I was his biggest fan by far, but I enjoyed his work and loved how talented and versatile he was.  His voice resonated with me from my youth to my current old bitterness.  And his passing pains me more than I ever thought it would.  I don’t know if it’s the shock and the suddenness.  I’m being quite selfish here, because the tragedy of a stranger is making me talk about myself, but so be it.  As a person that has fought with depression and suicide there are days where I feel like I’m barely hanging on.  And I’m angry about that because my life is good right now.  So good I want to freeze time.  I want to seal this moment forever because I’m terrified of the future.  I am under a doctor’s care, I take medication, I am not suicidal.  Right now.  That’s the terrifying part–once you’ve been there, you never really leave, at least not for me.

You remember these slides, right?  This is how I feel like my life is.  Maybe I started at the top like everyone else.  In the sun, happy.  But I found myself sliding down into the dark and I try to stop.  You have to use both hands, both feet.  And you get so fucking tired.  So you try to climb back up to the top, where everyone else is, where the sunshine and air is.  If you have people at the top, maybe they can lend a hand.  Maybe medicine will make you strong and you can climb back up.  But over time, you get so tired, and you feel things pulling at you, weighing you down.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get back up there.  I’m not sliding down, but I feel like I’m very consciously holding on.   And some days even with all the help you just get so damn tired and you know it would be so easy to let go and just slide down.  It would be a relief.  Even if the slide had no end or even a horrible end at least you wouldn’t be struggling so hard or hanging on to other people so heavily.  That’s how I feel with depression.  It feels like it’s always looming and it makes me a fraud.  Because I can function and talk and make jokes and take care of my kids and my family and enjoy things and all the while I’m screaming inside because maybe it’s all fake and I’m lying to myself.  Maybe I’ve learned how to put on a pretty good show.

To be clear, I feel firmly held right now, but I’m always aware and always afraid.  Maybe it’s just how my life is and will have to be.

So when I hear about Chris Cornell, who by all accounts should be happy, like I should be happy…how could he slide down?  How the hell can I hold on while someone who outwardly has everything cannot hold himself up or have the strength to hang on to someone else’s hand.  What hope is there for me, when someone like him has lost all?  I used to think that suicide was so selfish and it made me angry.  It is selfish, but the weight that some people have, the demons that pull them down, are just too much.  I feel robbed, as the whole world does, as his family and friends do.  But I’m also selfishly afraid.

That’s really all.  I just wanted to vent.  Here are some videos.

“One” lyrics by Metallica, music by U2  Note:  The lyrics have been slightly altered to fit with the music, so the lyrics below are not exact.  You can hear “One” by Metallica here and “One” by U2 (original music video) here.  Both amazing and haunting songs on their own.  The video for Metallica’s video comes from the book and subsequent movie “Johnny Got His Gun” which is a whole other level of surreal.

I can’t remember anything
Can’t tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me

Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up, I cannot see
That there’s not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me

Back in the womb it’s much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can’t look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I’ll live

Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me

Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh God, help me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, help me

Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmine
Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

“One” lyrics by U2, for reference.

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say…

One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s…

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One…

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One…life

One

life, news, web

SUPER ALL CAPS CHALLENGE

I’m seriously considering something.  As in, actually taking into consideration.  I think I need to go on a social media fast.  I need to break free.  Hole up.  Quit being baited into caring about things that I shouldn’t.  Case in point: Ahmed Mohamed and the clusterfuck fiasco that followed.  There is plenty out there, Google it and read up if you’re not aware.  I’m angry.

This gif is never not necessary.

I’m angry about this whole thing, top to bottom.

  • that a school would call police rather than parents
  • that the first teacher didn’t diffuse the situation or even hold the clock for the school day to help avoid the situation
  • that a boy who built a clock and maintained that it was nothing more than a clock and never showed it to anyone else but a teacher who could confirm it was a clock was handcuffed “for his own safety and the safety of others” and humiliated
  • that the media twists things around to inspire/enrage society
  • the people said it was completely planned for the President’s agenda
  • that the boy’s dad is a politician from Sudan and maybe it was all planned
  • that social and public outcry is the only thing that gets noticed, but if you have something that needs social and public outcry you are just an attention whore
  • I’ve put way too much time, attention and emotion into this and the ‘news’ in general (because let’s face it, a lot of this is not news

Maybe not a full on social media fast.  Blogs are considered social media, no?  Maybe no Facebook.  Should I start with Facebook and work in Twitter and Imgur?  I hate/love them all.  What if I have a question for a large group of people?  What about my home school groups?  What about blogs?  Comics?  TV news?

I think this sounds like I want to put my head in the sand and not see the ills of the world.  That’s not completely untrue, but for me, I know how I react.  I get angry, I get emotionally involved and frankly, I don’t want to do that.  If you believe in things like energy from emotion and whatnot, I don’t need that kind of energy in my life, let alone my home.  I feel like it turns me into some kind of zealot or an uneducated naive suburbanite.  I simply don’t want the headache of it.  I don’t want the online pissing contests.  I don’t want the distraction.

#seriously #oldlife #4PMdinnerftw

I don’t like that these things bleed into my blog, which is supposed to be a repository of refinement.  Or is it an archive of atrocity?  Whatever it is, it’s not supposed to be this.  I need to figure out how to insulate my emotions without suffocating my reasoning.  I need to think about how to actually do that.

http://butthug.com

Okay.  Here’s what I’ll do.  My plan for the rest of the year:

Facebook – hide everyone except for home school/educational groups.  This way I can still communicate with my friends but not have to see the shit they post (good or bad)
Twitter – ignore
Imgur – ignore

I’ll still read blogs and comics and Youtube and Netflix.  That’s fair, right?  Those things are for school or for an escape or for both.  I just hope I can do it, because I really feel like I need this.  I worry I’m going to get drawn back into it all because let’s face it, it’s fun and addicting.

entertainment, life, news, web

Mildly Annoyed Technically Asian Lady

First, completely unrelated to my mild annoyance of this post:

The numbers are not pretty, unlike your face.

Check out these articles here and here.  <facebook post>Says a lot. I’ve been pretty unhappy and burned out on this expansion; I honestly only still have my account for the kids to play and for the undying hope that it’s going to get better. Paying $15 a month to log into my garrison and click buttons and log out. Tsk, tsk.</facebook post>

So, back to my original annoyance.  I am Asian.  Wait, that’s not what annoys me.  Jeez, I’m a poor writer.  BACK ON TRACK:  I am Asian but was raised in a very white, middle American town.  I had a fairly Asian home life but almost all of my friends were white (demographics!).  I grew up with the super white grunge 90s mentality.  I don’t speak anything fluently but English.  Old Chinese women that I don’t know have yelled at me for not speaking Chinese.  I don’t celebrate Chinese New Year anymore, but I want to, *but* I feel weird even thinking about doing it after so many years of not doing it/never doing it on my own as an adult.

My second favorite part!  (Food.  Food is always my favorite part of everything.)

Having said that, the truth is that feeling white doesn’t actually mean that I am white.  I have had my share of racism/discrimination.  The “what are you, anyway?”, the “go back to your own country”, the “welcome to America”.  The “you speak English really good!” (yes, the irony of bad grammar), the “wow, you don’t sound like you have a foreign name!”, the “do your parents own a nail salon or a laundromat?”  Now that I have children, I get the “oh do you speak your native language to them at home?” and the “he doesn’t even have chinky eyes!”,  Definitely not as bad as many others have it.  Still upsetting to me because it’s a reminder of this weird barrier between me and everyone else.   And I never think of a witty rebuttal until way after the fact.

Next time, for sure.

It took me a long time to understand why I sympathized with other groups of people that have a history of discrimination.  I think it falls under the “if people are shitty to you, they could be shitty to me” mentality.  I get my feathers ruffled at the injustices of the world that I’m lucky enough to watch on the news and not be part of.  But it’s shitty on all sides, one group to another to another, regardless of who’s on top.  How about we *all* stop being shit heads?  We could do that, right?

The spark for this post was an article I read today regarding the official city apology to an ethnic group.  The title of this post might give it away a bit, but subtlety was never my strong point.  The author says “better late than never”.

Better late than never?  Ungrateful.  Completely ungrateful.

Is being sorry enough?  Not if you refuse to fix the problem going forward.  Not if you do not acknowledge the wrongs that were committed.  A true apology does that-acknowledges the wrongs committed.  But here’s a science fact (as of 8/5/2015):  you can’t change the past.  You seriously super can’t.

Seriously sound advice.

Dear groups/people/races/plants/zombies/other: If you have been discriminated in the past, or mistreated, or abused, or looked at sideways and you are acknowledged or apologized to, don’t say “better late than never”.

It’s snarky.  It makes you look like an asshole.  Being angry doesn’t excuse being an asshole.  There’s a difference.

It also makes you look like a butt head.

Feel some sort of minimum satisfaction that you/your ancestors/people you know have been acknowledged and the wrongs have been acknowledged.  A MINIMUM.  Is this perfect?  Of course not.  If life was perfect, no one would have been wronged in the first place. Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe.  Keep working on making things good and right going forward.  Educate, the good AND the bad.  Destroying an item doesn’t change the past or people’s minds and ideas.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.  For the record, I used to dye my hair burgundy, wear dark lipstick and paint my nails either black or vamp.  LEST WE FORGET.

I understand that you don’t get to regulate other people’s feelings.  Being angry is one of those great primal emotions that is so hard to regulate.  On the other side of that, anger without progress is worthless.  Wasted energy.

*yawn*

Aside from this little rant, school has started this week and it hasn’t been that bad.  “Not that bad” is pretty much all I could hope for and I’ll post more on that eventually.  I’m so ready for summer to be over.

entertainment, news

Train Wreck

What are the odds that while I’m vacationing in Savannah, the whole Paula Deen brouhaha blows up?  Crazy pants.  We even ended up driving by Uncle Bubba’s while on our way to make out with dolphins.  I was in my hotel room, searching #paulasbestdishes on Twitter and howling with laughter.  Just in serious fucking tears.  People, I tip my hat to you–you are all hilarious.

I’ve heard a lot about the hypocrisy of her fall from grace–why is it okay for a black person (omg should I say African-American?!) to say nigger but not for a white person to say it?  If black people say then white people should say it!

“Everybody has different words that offend them, different things that they hear that they get offended by… To me, the thing that offends me the most, is every time that I hear “the N-word.” Not “nigger” by the way. I mean “the N-word.” Literally, whenever a white lady on CNN with nice hair says, “The N-word,” that’s just white people getting away with saying “nigger,” that’s all that is. They found a way to say “nigger.” “N-word!” It’s bullshit ’cause when you say “the N-word” you put the word “nigger” in the listeners head. That’s what saying a word is. You say “the N-word” and I go “Oh, she means ‘nigger’.” Your making me say it in my head! Why don’t you fuckin’ say it instead and take responsibility, with the shitty words you wanna say. Just say it, don’t hide behind the first letter like a faggot just say it. Say “nigger” you stupid cunt!”

Not really.  I don’t think it’s necessarily appropriate for anyone to say it.  Just because someone makes millions using that word doesn’t make it okay.  Look at the plethora of people who make millions for being incendiary.  What bothers me even more than the fact that she has used that word, is the rest of the deposition regarding her views on business and what was appropriate for a work environment.   Is she racist?  Maybe.  Everyone, to some degree, has preconceived notions of other people.  She allowed her business, her livelihood, to take a backseat to some sort of do-no-wrong-owner mindset.  Pornography in the workplace?  Since when is this okay?  Here is the full (if not hard to read) deposition.

I used to really love Paula Deen.  Well before she was trying to sell salt/pepper/garlic powder for  $1.13 per ounce, when the recipe is readily available online and in her cookbooks.   Before she became a Southern caricature.  Compare the very early episodes of her cooking show to what it turned into–it became unbearable to watch and was so very over the top.  Her life story is very inspirational and is quite amazing.  I have no doubt she is a hard worker and had to overcome pretty difficult circumstances.  But somewhere between then and now, I think she lost herself.  To me, that is the most disappointing.

entertainment, life, news

Weepy

Let me add a molecule to the ocean of thoughts regarding Mr. Roger Ebert.

I grew up with Siskel and Ebert.  I often disliked him.  When I was young, I thought he was old and dumb.  Since I became not young, I thought he was old, but no longer dumb. (Surely it was he that gained wisdom over the years!)  Often smart, often with good taste, occasionally disagreeable.  Always, at the very least, with passion and intelligence behind his words.  His essay here, published in his book Life Itself: A Memoir, brings me to tears and makes me weep as if I knew him personally.  As if we were going to meet up this weekend to watch a movie and argue about it.

Good journey, Mr. Ebert.  You will be very missed.

life, news

Endless Days

The past few days have been cold, gray and rainy.  Perfect fall weather if this happened to be fall.   The nights are inky black.  Driving at night lately has been a test of my patience with all the rain and impossible visibility.  I don’t want to discuss this at all, but I feel it would be remiss to ignore it: 

More often than not, I prefer that my kids watch the news with me.  I explain things to them in a way that children can understand.  It’s an opportunity to understand things like the weather and to a more shielded degree what police and firefighters do.  But then things happen and I have to turn the TV off.

Gray, rainy days are best supplemented by sitting together on the couch or in my bed watching cartoons and cuddling.  I have an inherent need to touch and hold the people close to me at times like these.  Play blocks and kitchen.  Read books.  Chase the dog and make cookies.  Yes, even when I play Warcraft, my son cuddles up next to me and watches.

This is an undead death knight. Duh.

Saturday night, I fell asleep early, maybe 11 or midnight, and woke up at 4 AM.  So much for sleeping early.  The Mr. woke up and I kept bugging him until he was totally awake.  We laid in bed and talked and for hours and eventually played around on the computer.  Right about when he wanted to go back to sleep at 7, I made puppy dog eyes because I wanted to go out for breakfast with the family.  It was a happy and exciting morning for the kids and for me because we see Dad at breakfast an average of once per week.

So, even in the rainy gloom of a Sunday morning, everyone was happy.  And then on the way home I noticed all the flags at half staff and just lost my shit.  I can insulate myself from the world only so much.  Despite all of the silliness, immaturity and self proclaimed childishness, I am still an adult and a parent.  A parent with a child nearly the same age as those murdered in Newtown.  A parent with a child that could be in a classroom where the shooter visited.

From someone that I’ve known since we were 4 years old.

I don’t really have words to describe this.  There is a saying that if a person loses a spouse they are called a widow or a widower.  If a child loses his parents, he becomes an orphan.  But there’s no real word to describe what a parent is after they lose a child.  It’s something that I cannot imagine.  These are the thoughts that are rolling around my head now, so close to Christmas.  Life goes on for everyone else, but it amazes me to no end that life will go on for anyone in that town.  People are more resilient than they should ever need to be.

More silliness later, as always.

news

WRONG

I love shrimp.  I had shrimp for dinner just last night and it was delicious.  This, sir, is no shrimp:

Imagine it in your mouth. IMAGINE IT.

After reading this and this I’ve decided to never leave the house again.  I mean, c’mon New Zealand, really?

For the record, I’m not usually squeamish.  I will tell you a story that will give you a minor insight to my childhood:

My two Cocker Spaniels had puppies and they were adorable.  Cocker Spaniels are usually seen with their tails docked (cut off) like this:

Frizz Away would do wonders for you.

Of course, they’re not born that way, they have regular floppy tails.  Breeders generally use a device that puts a rubber band around the tail close to the base to cut off the blood supply until the tail falls off.

Take all those puppies to a vet?  Bitch, please.  Not my mother.

I came home one day to her and the puppies in the kitchen.   She gave me the old “put out your hand!” trick and I was sure it was a bug.  It took forever for her to convince me it wasn’t bugs.  I give her my hands and she puts all the bloodied puppy tails in my hand, still warm, I might add.  I didn’t freak out and puppy dog tails didn’t go flying, but I wasn’t pleased.   This didn’t make me squeamish.

Not too long after, I got my mother back.  I caught a large mouth bass and was gutting and cleaning it in the kitchen sink.  I found a whole, partially digested crayfish in it’s stomach and chased her with it until she gagged.  That didn’t make me squeamish.

This thing.  This thing makes me squeamish:

Look at this idiot.

HOW CAN HE TOUCH THAT THING WITH HIS BARE HANDS?

 

crafty, news

Burned Out

It’s that time of year.  I’m burned out.  I’m getting sick of doing things for everyone else.  It sounds bad–I love making things and doing things for others.  It is in my nature.  But I don’t like deadlines and I find that this is the time of year that the lack of reciprocation is more pronounced.  It’s just an exhausting time of year, and with my graceful fall and subsequent sicky cruds, I’m just kind of done.

No, not extra love. Panic.

Tomorrow is going to be filled with weaving in ends, wool soak, baking cookies and prepping a package that BY GOD HAD BETTER GET TO ITS INTENDED RECIPIENT BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

Anyway, I started on the border of my miter square blanket and I like it.  The Mr. decidedly does not like it because “the white doesn’t really go with it”.  What?  The squares were intentionally whip stitched with white so it would show up.  I wanted an old fashioned feel to this And. I. Like. It.  It’s kind of patriotic.  Any resemblance to any political logos are purely unintentional.

Everyone can bite my shiny metal ass.

I haven’t weaved in any of the ends yet but I just needed some mindless knitting today.  It was necessary.

Knitting Ryan might have to go into my boyfriend album on Facebook.

In other news, Kim Jong Il died…like yesterday?  Something like that.  News hit the US tonight.  I found out on Twitter before I found out on the news.  I love and hate the world where I get my serious news and fake animal tweets all in the same place.

crafty, life, news

ChÜberlist: 2011–April Update

I got a lot more done this month than I thought I would.  First, the good stuff that makes me happy:

19. 5 baby quilts or blankets-one down
45. Do one home repair item per month: replace kitchen faucet-DONE
47. Do one home repair item per month: repair sewer line-DONE
48. (counts as two)-I love that this counts as two; it was a pretty big one.

This may not seem like a lot, but they were pretty big projects.  I’m unbelievably happy that tax season is over.  I am always amazed at the change in the environment in our home after the final deadline has been met.  To be brief: it’s nice.

This made my day!

Pithy in her new home!

Mailed on Saturday and arrived today!  USPS has recently raised their rates one everything other than letters but if this is the result I’m all for it!

I would be totally remiss as an American if I didn’t comment on the big news last night from President Obama.  This pretty much sums it up for me:

Giggle.

May is going to be an exciting month!  We’ll all be busy little bees inside and outside.  Here are my big plans:

11. 5 pairs of baby booties-Must. Crank. Out. Some.
12. 5 baby hats-One or two should be no problem.  Right???
16. Knit three pairs of gift socks. One down, hopefully one more down in May.
20. Sew 5 pj pants for Robin-5 should actually be easy if I can find the time to do it.
21. Sew 5 pj pants for Josh-see #20.
25. Finish Witch cross stitch-almost done.  So much filler!
44. Do one home repair item per month: set mailbox in cement
49. Do one home repair item per month: stain and seal deck
50. (counts as two)
51. Do one home repair item per month: clean up gifted furniture & use or store
69. Read two books out of my library that I’ve never read before-one down, one more to go.  Have been staring at Speaker for the Dead forever so I should open it up.  No better time than now May.

So that’s that.  Other big plans include: getting a tan, getting Josh back into school, not killing our garden seedlings, buying, building and installing a swing set in the back yard.  Like I said, busy bees.

news, web

Japan

Photobucket

It has been 11 days since the devastating 9.0 earthquake and tsunami in Japan and I haven’t blogged one word of it. At first, I was pretty stunned and couldn’t think of anything to say. My blog is mostly frivolous and fun and boring. I rarely get serious. As the days went on, this enormous event on the other side of the world affected me less and less and daily life took over more and more. And let’s face it, it’s much easier to NOT turn on the news and NOT think about it. What can you do when you’re so helpless? The need was immediate and while my monetary donation was being put to good use, it wasn’t as if I could comfort people, hand out food, or search through decimated villages.

Photobucket

Helplessness makes you feel like a wiener.

I felt so much better after getting the first update after the disaster from the Tokyobling Blog, a photography blog that I have been following for years. This really allayed my worries for the most part and helped me realize how sensational news media is. Don’t get me wrong–this is not me trying to pretend that something bad didn’t happen or me trying to play down what happened in the very least. But it did ease my mind; the news made me feel like the whole of Japan had been obliterated. It’s simply nice to see a different perspective and to understand a country that is as prepared as humanly possible for all of these cataclysms. Check out his blog and photography; you don’t have to love Japan to appreciate great photos. Doesn’t hurt, though.

Photobucket

In other news, don’t “Pray for Japan”, or at least, don’t just pray for Japan. Donate what you can. Be aware and spread awareness of what is and what isn’t happening. Follow the strength and resolve of the Japanese culture and get on with your lives otherwise Mother Earth wins.

Photobucket

I leave you with this: Donald Duck invented Manga. Reading Cracked makes me wish I still did drugs.