entertainment, health, life, news

Chris Cornell

Before I begin, please, if you’re feeling suicidal or just need someone to talk to, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741 in the US.  Here is a list of crisis lines by country.  Or fucking send me a message, my sleep is garbage anyway.

I wanted to take a break from my usual and talk about Chris Cornell, and I’m writing this so that maybe I’ll stop thinking about him.  I’m not writing this to debate or speculate if he intended to commit suicide or if his prescription medication altered his state of mind.  The ultimate fact is that he is gone painfully too soon.

I would never say I was his biggest fan by far, but I enjoyed his work and loved how talented and versatile he was.  His voice resonated with me from my youth to my current old bitterness.  And his passing pains me more than I ever thought it would.  I don’t know if it’s the shock and the suddenness.  I’m being quite selfish here, because the tragedy of a stranger is making me talk about myself, but so be it.  As a person that has fought with depression and suicide there are days where I feel like I’m barely hanging on.  And I’m angry about that because my life is good right now.  So good I want to freeze time.  I want to seal this moment forever because I’m terrified of the future.  I am under a doctor’s care, I take medication, I am not suicidal.  Right now.  That’s the terrifying part–once you’ve been there, you never really leave, at least not for me.

You remember these slides, right?  This is how I feel like my life is.  Maybe I started at the top like everyone else.  In the sun, happy.  But I found myself sliding down into the dark and I try to stop.  You have to use both hands, both feet.  And you get so fucking tired.  So you try to climb back up to the top, where everyone else is, where the sunshine and air is.  If you have people at the top, maybe they can lend a hand.  Maybe medicine will make you strong and you can climb back up.  But over time, you get so tired, and you feel things pulling at you, weighing you down.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get back up there.  I’m not sliding down, but I feel like I’m very consciously holding on.   And some days even with all the help you just get so damn tired and you know it would be so easy to let go and just slide down.  It would be a relief.  Even if the slide had no end or even a horrible end at least you wouldn’t be struggling so hard or hanging on to other people so heavily.  That’s how I feel with depression.  It feels like it’s always looming and it makes me a fraud.  Because I can function and talk and make jokes and take care of my kids and my family and enjoy things and all the while I’m screaming inside because maybe it’s all fake and I’m lying to myself.  Maybe I’ve learned how to put on a pretty good show.

To be clear, I feel firmly held right now, but I’m always aware and always afraid.  Maybe it’s just how my life is and will have to be.

So when I hear about Chris Cornell, who by all accounts should be happy, like I should be happy…how could he slide down?  How the hell can I hold on while someone who outwardly has everything cannot hold himself up or have the strength to hang on to someone else’s hand.  What hope is there for me, when someone like him has lost all?  I used to think that suicide was so selfish and it made me angry.  It is selfish, but the weight that some people have, the demons that pull them down, are just too much.  I feel robbed, as the whole world does, as his family and friends do.  But I’m also selfishly afraid.

That’s really all.  I just wanted to vent.  Here are some videos.

“One” lyrics by Metallica, music by U2  Note:  The lyrics have been slightly altered to fit with the music, so the lyrics below are not exact.  You can hear “One” by Metallica here and “One” by U2 (original music video) here.  Both amazing and haunting songs on their own.  The video for Metallica’s video comes from the book and subsequent movie “Johnny Got His Gun” which is a whole other level of surreal.

I can’t remember anything
Can’t tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me

Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up, I cannot see
That there’s not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me

Back in the womb it’s much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can’t look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I’ll live

Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me

Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh God, help me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, help me

Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmine
Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

“One” lyrics by U2, for reference.

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say…

One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s…

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One…

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One…life

One

children, health, home, life, work

It’s May…?

Well, balls.  So much for keeping up with my life.  EVERYTHING happened since I last blogged.  EVERYTHING.

I have been ridiculously busy and for the most part, it’s been a good busy.  Here is a short run down:

  • Josh’s birthday
  • multiple naps
  • car accident
  • ChÜberlist update
  • presents for ME
  • new job
  • home remodel
  • quit class
  • video games
  • new website
  • old pains are new again

So. Many. Things.  I *will* update.  I know you’ve been waiting on the edge of your seat for all of my exciting updates.  Second only to watching paint dry or grass grow (they tied for first place).

Soon. Sooooooon.
health, home, life

ChÜberlist 2017 UPDATE!

So let’s find out if February was a failure or a success in terms of ChÜberlist completions. What was the list again?

Self
1. Lose 10% of my current total body weight. – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am not even thinking about this. It’s fucking March already, though, so I should do something. OH—I am drinking more water and am basically caffeine free so that’s a pretty big deal. I drink Caffeine Free Diet Coke because I guess this is my version of vaping. Also, I’m sure the sodium has some kind of hook on me, too, but all the water drinking is good.
2. Practice better drug adherence. – I have been better; I think I’ve only maybe missed doses once a week or so which is an incredible improvement.
3. Get a haircut that I can maintain. – Still ponytailing it around. Maybe next month…
4. Sleep like a normal human being. – LOL, yeah, NO
5. Be conscious about my appearance. – I bought a new pair of jeans that isn’t tattered at the cuffs or crotch Or is 10 years old. What sucks though, is that they are HUGE on me and the next size down is a gut sucker. So I have to get a belt now?

Home
1. I need a meal plan. – So I’ve had this dry erase calendar in my kitchen for years and I am using to plan meals. Unfortunately, I only used it for one week (but I do have a breakfast list on there which we are sticking to)

So sad -__-

2. I need a chore schedule. – Okay, I don’t have a schedule, but I have been doing things to try and keep myself more on task. Por ejemplo: I have a daily set of Corelle dishes but also mixed pieces that we’ve kept over the years. All of those dinner plates and dessert plates have been washed, plastic wrapped and put away so that I have to do dishes more regularly. It also forces me to hand wash things when necessary instead of just leaving it for next time.

See? Ducks in a row and wrapped up in plastic.

3. Major Spring/Summer/Autumn/Winter cleaning. – I’ve been throwing out a ton of stuff. I cleaned out the kitchen desktop and cabinet; trashed all the mismatched glasses and mugs that haven’t been used for 15 years. This wasn’t even enough to donate—have you ever been in a thrift store? They have enough fucking Christmas mugs.
4. Get the ice maker fixed. – nay
5. Stop procrastinating on all of the minor repairs and projects. Here is a preliminary list of things that need to get done:
– mount and display Josh’s Tae Kwon Do belts and certificates
– hang blinds and curtains in kitchen
– regroup and hang family pictures
– hang up artwork that I bought 10 years ago OR donate it
– replace towel bars in kids’ bathroom and half bath
– repaint any rooms that need to be repainted (It’s been a long time and the kids’ rooms especially need paint in my opinion.)
Of course I did something not on this list but it still counts: I replaced the fluorescent light fixture in the kitchen over the desk. That was a pain in the ass because I never have the right tools, this house is 30 years old with 30 year old “fixes” and it’s hard to see with the power off. However, it works, I didn’t burn the house down and I didn’t electrocute myself.

It’s slimmer than the old one; I should paint…eventually.

Kids
1. Enforce a consistent school, practice, wake up and bedtime routine. – This worked for about two weeks. I need to get back on it.
2. School at the library or park once a week. – We’ve been pretty consistent about this one. I think we’ve maybe missed once?
3. Have lesson plans one month in advance. –I’m almost done with February! Oh wait, that’s not right.
4. Be more regimented on practice for extra curricular activities. – UGH
5. Help the kids stay on task with cleaning their rooms. – This is actually going pretty well. Their rooms are always going to be messy because they’re kids (Robin’s more than Josh’s) but they stay on task better. Little habits, little habits.

Crafty
No need to list; I’ve done absolutely nothing.

Miscellaneous
1. Revamp the fish tanks. – I’ve started!
2. Wash my car once a month (inside and out) – I half assed it, but I did clean out some stuff.

So I have been doing things to try to improve my life. I think march will be better for no reason other than to be hopeful. A lot of things got in the way this past month like meetings with teachers, car accident, the Mr’s birthday and Valentine’s Day. Months with holidays always throw the proverbial wrench in your schedule.

Overall, I’m not disappointed at my progress. I need to speed it up, but this isn’t a bad start out of the gate.

children, crafty, health, home, life

ChÜberlist 2017 – The Year of the Slug

EDIT:  OH SHIT IT’S PAST MIDNIGHT AND NOW IT’S FEBRUARY OH NO!

It’s still January!  I’m not that late!

 ChÜberlist 2017 – The Year of the Slug has finally arrived!
ChÜberlist 2017 – The Year of the Slug has finally arrived!

Here is my current list conveniently sorted in pseudo categories.  As always, I’ll probably add more to the list just so I can mark it off my list because I like meaningless achievements.

I really need these. Click the picture to buy me the pack!
I really need these. Click the picture to buy me the pack!

One thing I didn’t put on my list this year:  Quit smoking.  I have always had that on my list as a gimme since I don’t smoke, but I’m trying to be an adult so I decided against it.

donglover
donglover

Self
1. Lose 10% of my current total body weight.  Unfortunately, NASA scientists are all busy at the moment so I can’t post any numbers right now.

They were busy with Barney's bar tab.
They were busy with Barney’s bar tab.

2. Practice better drug adherence. I’m shit at taking medicine at the right time…and I’m terribly inconsistent. So basically, I am a child and need to be reminded about everything, every day, forever.
3. Get a haircut that I can maintain. I’m going to be 38 fucking years old this year. I should grow beyond the ponytail. Basically, I need to stop being lazy about my hair. For the record, I’m starting to go gray and I don’t give a shit about dyeing it.
4. Sleep like a normal human being. “OH I’M SO TIRED” Maybe if I wasn’t up until 3 AM every night and up in the actual morning hours I wouldn’t be so fucking tired all the time. As noted in #2 above, I am a child and need a bedtime and bedtime routine. I need to learn how to be an adult.
5. Be conscious about my appearance. I know this is a newsflash, but I am not a big fan of myself, in literally any way you can think of. Since I think so little of myself, I have basically gotten to the point in my life that I only care about what I’m wearing or what I look like so I don’t embarrass my family. When I’m out alone, I am an even bigger mess than usual.

Accurate.
Accurate.

Home
1. I need a meal plan. Other than texting the Mr. at 6:30 with the usual “what for dinner?” Frozen breakfast is the first plan because that’s easy. Breakfast sandwiches and burritos, muffins, smoothie mixes. Then I’ll work my way up to having prepared food. I don’t know when I stopped really preparing meals to freeze. I did totally do it once, though now it had become more of a myth than anything.
2. I need a chore schedule. See #2 of Self. I am a child and need to be reminded about everything, every day, forever. Everything in my house is at some stage between cluttered and disgusting. My ultimate goal is to have a home that someone could stop by unexpectedly and I wouldn’t force them to stay outside.

How many decades will this strike last?
Strike also applies to brownies, domovois, heinzelmännchen

3. Major Spring/Summer/Autumn/Winter cleaning. I need to declutter like no one’s business. I think if I haven’t used it in 10 years, I probably don’t need it. A handwriting worksheet from when Josh was 3 is probably also unnecessary to retain for his records.
4. Get the ice maker fixed. You’d think a simple task like calling a repair man wouldn’t take multiple years to do, but here we are.  It gets its own number because it’s been literally years.  I need to do this.  Eventually.
5. Stop procrastinating on all of the minor repairs and projects. Here is a preliminary list of things that need to get done:
– mount and display Josh’s Tae Kwon Do belts and certificates
– hang blinds and curtains in kitchen
– regroup and hang family pictures
– hang up artwork that I bought 10 years ago OR donate it
– replace towel bars in kids’ bathroom and half bath
– repaint any rooms that need to be repainted (It’s been a long time and the kids’ rooms especially need paint in my opinion.)

Kids
1. Enforce a consistent school, practice, wake up and bedtime routine. Which mostly means I need to have a routine. I’m the worst.

I have an alarm clock that can go off at two different times. I am slowly learning how to not sleep through both.
I have an alarm clock that can go off at two different times. I am slowly learning how to not sleep through both.

2. School at the library or park once a week. They need to learn to work with distractions and we are too cooped up in the house anyway.
3. Have lesson plans one month in advance. I can always improvise, but not every day.
4. Be more regimented on practice for extra curricular activities. I’m the worst, the WORST at practicing violin. And Tae Kwon Do kicks.
5. Help the kids stay on task with cleaning their rooms. Did I mention I’m the worst at everything?

Crafty
1. Finish hand quilting that giant king sized quilt.
2. Finish water color painting.
3. Sketchbook every day. Eventually.
4. Teach Robin to sew and to knit (those were her resolutions, so now they’re mine as well)
5. Knit at least 2 pair of socks.
6. Blog at least once a week.

Quantity over quality is easy since the quality has been at zero since 2006
Quantity over quality is easy since the quality has been at zero since 2006

Miscellaneous
1. Revamp the fish tanks.
2. Wash my car once a month (inside and out)

Whoooooo! So, 23 whole resolutions. To be fair, that’s a lot if I’m actually doing this. There are other personal goals I have this year but I’m not interested in airing all my dirty laundry to the world. Just the grossest pieces, I guess. I’m glad that I’m reviving the ChÜberlist; I’d like to believe that it means that I’m still alive and motivated on improving myself, even if it’s at a slug’s pace.

Get it? GET IT? GEDITGEDITGEDIT?!
Get it? GET IT? GEDITGEDITGEDIT
children, health, home, life, web

Something to Talk About

3 Months!

Everything has happened, so let’s have a photo dump:

1. Halloween happened and it was awesome.

Ghost Bride and Harry Potter
Ghost Bride and Harry Potter

Moaning Myrtle married Harry Potter?  Nah.  I asked Robin what her back story was and she said her father murdered her right before she got married.  What the fuck, kid.

My BABY in a WEDDING DRESS.
My BABY in a WEDDING DRESS.

Her dress is a Cheapos Thrift find for either $5 or $10.  I can’t remember now.  I believe it’s a size 4, so lots of alterations.  I appreciate how the kids seem to be taking turns wanting homemade vs. store bought costumes which makes me very grateful.  My wrists are 99% now and I can do things.  Without pain, even!

Now I have TWO strong hands.
Now I have TWO strong hands.

2.  Joshua became a Cobra Kai.

Serious kid is serious.
Serious kid is serious.

Okay, maybe not.  His uniform has sleeves, so he can’t be Cobra Kai.  Yet.  He joined the intermediate black belt training, tested for his second level brown belt (red is next!) and started weapons training.

I’m particularly proud of how dedicated he is.  $200 of his own money went to paying for gear (weapons, bag, pads).  He is getting $25 a month back from Mom and Dad, but he made the initial investment.  He’s more mature and responsible than I am.

3.  There was an election of some sort which I deem completely unnecessary for discussion here.

Regardless of which side, your vote didn't matter.
Regardless of which side, your vote didn’t matter.

4.  Robin started with a new violin teacher.  She’s also now in a 1/4 size violin.  She also had a birthday and it was all good.

“hair crayons” are exactly what they sound like.

5.  Christmas!  I honestly don’t have any good pictures of the kids from Christmas because I’m an asshole I guess.  But I have the next best thing:

Santa is shorter in person.
Santa is shorter in person.
His elves are adorable jerks, though.
His elves are adorable jerks, though.
It has a HOOD!
It has a HOOD!
He couldn't care less that is has a hood.
He couldn’t care less that is has a hood.

6.  We had a blizzard and it was horrifying.

Behold the wrath of Mother Nature!
Behold the wrath of Mother Nature!

In case I didn’t feel crazy enough, I’ve decided to do ChÜberlist 2017 – The Year of the Slug.  It’s already a couple of weeks late so I’m off to a great start.

I'm getting ready, 2017.  Time to get serious.
I’m getting ready, 2017. Time to get serious.
health, home, life, miscellaneous

Photo Dump: Shit Post

Jeez, what a fucking couple of weeks.  Here’s a run down, not necessarily related to the pictures.

I didn't have plans anyway.
I didn’t have plans anyway.

1. I am still recovering from my last carpal tunnel surgery; it was so much more painful than the first one.  The first (right hand) healed really quickly but even after a month the skin on my left hand is red and super sensitive.  It’s not raw or anything, but it hurts to the touch.  It’s truly just the surface and scarring area; the surgery part is fine and I no longer have pain.  Both hands can’t support serious weight on the palms, so holding pots and pans can be really painful.  Thankfully, I’m taking a 37 year break from push-ups so I’m sure I’ll be fine soon.

That fucking face! I am dying.
That fucking face! I am dying.

2. I have a fair amount of skin coloring and have always had various freckles.  I categorize them as freckles, not moles as they are small, flat and symmetrical.  Fact: when I was a kid, my family used to tell me that freckles were fly poop :( Anyway, I discovered an odd marking on the back of my right leg, right below my calf muscle.  I went to the dermatologist and they did a shave biopsy. It bled forever and it hurts like hell.  As far as I know, there is no abnormality (cancer), but that dermatologist is the kind that doesn’t contact you unless there’s something wrong.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m a wimp or if it’s just because the skin is being constantly pulled if I’m walking or what.  Hurrrrrts.

I really should call because leave it to my lovely luck that I’ve been dead for a week and the doctor just forgot about me.

*chews sadly*
*chews sadly*

3.  I finally went to an ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor) to check out my ridiculous nose bleeds.  At the particular office I went to, I had to see the Physicians Assistant who then proceeded to do all the nose things that aliens do.  She also proceeded to cauterize two blood vessels in my nose.   You can watch the procedure here (but don’t because it is as bad as you might think); I had cauterization with silver nitrate.  She noted that she couldn’t see any spots that appeared to have bled recently so she literally cauterized the two places she thought might be suspicious.  The PA neglected to tell me that it was going to hurt like fucking hell and I should have just been happy with bleeding to death.

The general consensus is that it feels like you’ve had your nose broken and while I’ve never had my nose broken, it did feel like I was dying.  I honestly thought I was going to have to go to the hospital because I didn’t think this was normal.

 

I'm 40% nose bleeds.
I’m 40% nose bleeds.

4. My nose ran non-stop.  Not like, sniffles, but shit was streaming out of my face.  I know I’m painting a delightful picture here.  I was not expecting that since again, it was not mentioned.  What the PA did let me know is to call the office immediately if I had a nosebleed so that I could come in and have them re-cauterize any bleeding areas.  If I waited then they wouldn’t be able to tell where I bled (like that day, for instance). Two days after the cauterization my nose started bleeding again.  As per her instruction, I called the office to try to come in on a Friday around noon.

“There are no providers in the office today; you will have to wait until Monday.”  The receptionist sounded like I offended her and her whole family by trying to explain that this is what the PA told me to do.  Ugh, fuck all this shit.  I’ll just bleed to death.

 

I hope to achieve this line of thinking some day.
I hope to achieve this line of thinking some day.

5. My windows are still not done.  The windows that are paid for and installed two months ago are still wrong and need to be replaced.  I could write a whole post about this aggravation and I’m tempted because I want the whole world to know how fucking stupid this has been.  But I really want to wait until the whole ordeal is over to see how events unfold.

Then I’ll bitch about it.

entertainment, health, life, miscellaneous

Post-Post Op Post

So after surgery I couldn’t do anything with my right hand which sucks because it’s incredibly dominant.  As in Ol’ Lefty can’t do anything.  Toilet time is the worst.  THE WORST.  Aquarium maintenance is fucking awful but I must say, my back and left arm hurt a LOT so I guess I have that going for me.  The last time my left arm was stronger than my right arm was when I cashiered; right hand grabs the stuff, left hand bags and puts it in the cart.  It’s really weird to use my left hand and I have to stop myself from grabbing things with my right hand out of habit.  So, here’s what I did while I was being pathetic:

BOOKS

They were all so young and the pictures are so haunting.

I read Dead Mountain: The Untold True Story of the Dyatlov Pass Incident.  I’ve loved this story since I was a child and I was always in the paranormal conspiracy camp.  This book gives some real discussion as to what exactly happened and I think the answer makes a lot of sense.  The only part of the book I didn’t like was that it was half story, half introspective writing and the introspective part bored me.  I can say that it really built up to the ending and explored all the angles.  All in all, it’s a real tragedy no matter what you think happened.

Meow. MEOW.

Second book was The Cinder Spires: The Aeronaut’s Windlass by the amazing Jim Butcher.  I’m totally a fangirl but when I started reading it, it wasn’t exactly my cup of tea.  For about two pages and then I read it all in one day.  That’s the real fucking shit right there–I wait for months if not years for a new book to come out and the authors have the gall to write a book that I read non-stop in one day.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  So discourteous.  It’s a steam-punk world and the writing is very visual.  I felt like I could absolutely see everything.  If you’ve read The Codex Alera series and of course The Dresden Files some of the ideas and imagery will be familiar but I’m not giving anything away.  I am not saying that he writes some timeless literature, but I will say he writes damn good fucking stories that I can’t put down and I want to binge read them until my eyeballs fall out.

He’s going to be at Dragon Con this year and the Mr. and the Boy are going AND I AM NOT BECAUSE THE WORLD ISN’T FAIR but hopefully the Mr. will get Jim’s autograph on a piece of sheet music that I have.  Then again, I bet they won’t even get his autograph because the lines will be crazy pants.  Maybe I’ll just write him a fan letter and enclose the sheet music for him to sign.  Because that won’t make me sound crazy.

Fan Girls Gone Wild

Last but not least, I read Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns).  A fun, quick read that was overly relatable in some places but not so much in others.  You have friends?  You have family?  Okay, Miss Perfect!  But seriously, I thought it was an honest little memoir, funny, and interesting without the gut wrenching confessions that you get in a lot of these types of books.  As in, normal girl does well!  Let’s congratulate her on not getting pregnant at 14 and becoming a heroin addict!   I want to be best friends with her but I’m 100% not cool enough.

NETFLIX AND TV AND CHILI DOGS

There was no Netflix and chill, but there was cravings for chili dogs but I couldn’t drive so I had to settle for nothing.  Story of my life.  Binge watched Expedition Unknown because I like Josh Gates and I miss Destination Truth.  This episode in particular scared the shit out of me.

I also binge watched The Dead Files.  I want so, so badly for it to be real.  I know it’s probably not, but I like it.  Steve DiSchiavi gives it credibility in my mind.  I want it to be real.

I do, I really, really do.

I also think that Amy Allen looks like Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials.  Google “Amy Allen faces” to get a chuckle.

Twinsies.

I did watch some movies too, for as much as I could stay awake for.  Drugs are one helluva drug.  Lots of fun silliness–I couldn’t concentrate for the more serious films (sorry, Jiro Dreams of Sushi).

I have also been playing a lot of Civ IV because I don’t need two hands for that.

And that really sums up my exciting adventures.  Whee.

health, life

Post Op

My surgery went better than expected.  I’m not at all reflecting on my Dr’s abilities, but I thought it was going to be a total shit show.

Expectation.

Happily, everything turned out great.  The surgical center staff was UH-mazing.  I mean, seriously.  I’ve been in the hospital too many times and there are so many things they could have screwed up but didn’t.

  • they gave me a gown that covered my ass
  • they had to do an IV on the back of each hand after no water since midnight the night before.  Perfection!
  • everyone was nice and didn’t treat me like an idiot
  • each member of the surgical team introduced him/herself and let me know what their role was going to be

There were some things that I was pretty disappointed in though:

  • I did not wake up with webspinners or laser implants in my wrist.
  • I didn’t get to watch.
  • I bothered with wearing a bra even though I could barely use my hands and I didn’t even need to.

Before we get on with the pictures, I’ll give you a play by play of the surgery.

I had open carpal tunnel release surgery on my right hand.  Everyone and their dog made sure that we were all on the same page so that I didn’t wake up with my left ankle cut in half of wake up with an accidental boob job.

That would have been a damn shame.

The doctor wrote his initials on my wrist because they damn sure aren’t going to screw up.  Left hand got an IV for fluids and right hand got an IV for numbing.  There was also a tourniquet on that arm so that the anesthesia was isolated to my hand/wrist area.

At this point everything was fine except I could feel the knife cutting in my hand.  Not a scratch, but that good, deep cut and subsequent digging cuts through the fat pad.  I said “I can feel that” and they gave me some medicine in my IV and the next thing that happened was the surgical nurse gave me my glasses back and wheeled me into recovery.  NICE!

Let’s be clear, it was no one’s fault that I could feel that and I would like to make it known that I didn’t scream like a maniac or anything.  This is something really important to me for some reason that I can’t place.  I don’t scream when I’m in pain, at least in the hospital.  Not for babies, not for manual removal of blood clots from my uterus, not for knives in my hand.  To be fair, I know I didn’t feel the entirety of the scalpel blade.  And drugs are the best.  Going from “I can feel that” to be to all done and no pain.  I went out to eat at IHOP afterwards and then home to sleep (surgery was early in the morning) and do drugs and watch TV.

Now, pictures!  Click on the black pictures to see the actual disgusting carnage if you want to, I don’t want to upset your delicate sensibilities.

My sweet, sweet nurse.

He was trying to make me feel better and didn’t leave my side for the first 24 hours.  Isn’t Jake wonderful!

July 7, one week after surgery.

Let it be known that I’m a shitty patient–I was not to remove the bandage at all.  I also couldn’t remove that piece of gauze because it was stuck to my stitches and would so I left it alone.  For a minute.

July 13, 2 weeks after surgery

Before I had my stitches out.  Getting them out wasn’t bad at all, surprisingly.  At this point I could shake the Dr’s hand so he was happy about that.  My follow up is in August which at that point I should be able to schedule Ol’ Lefty.

July 13, right after stitches out

Those Steri-Strips are really stuck on there good.  I should not have taken them off immediately.  It fucking hurt.  A lot.  I’m dumb.  You can also see the yellowing bruises from my wrist brace.  That hurt worse than the cut itself.

July 17

Just wishing that the ink would go away.

“RIGHT NOW”- Sammy Hagar

No more black boxes!

I’m happy with the result 1 million percent.  I started to notice immediately that my hand was tingling a lot–the result of nerves coming back to life.  I don’t know yet if I have any permanent nerve damage; only time will tell on that one.  My thumb so far is still quite numb, and less and less towards my little finger.  I also notice now that when I wake  up in the morning, there is no pain.  NO PAIN.  I know, right!  I also notice that my left hand is quite painful in the morning and basically all day.  Since both hands hurt so much, I never gave it much thought–it had become the norm for me.  Now it’s like a whole new world!

You know you know all the words.

I still can’t lift for shit, driving hurts my hand, I can’t mouse, I can’t open things.  I could give you a whole laundry list of whiny, bitch-ass complaining, but overall, I can do things again (slowly) with my right hand (just a little bit).  10/10 will do it again.

crafty, health

Surgery Update

So I can’t have surgery until June 30.

Fuck.

It’s going to take so long until I can flip the pickle again.

I know it’s shitty to bitch about it, but I’m so shitty.  I am forcing myself to do all the things that I won’t be able to do for who knows how long.  I was able to complete a cross stitch for the fancy Xingible and even a cross stitch note so I can make fun of myself.

*F*A*N*C*Y*

I sent that along with some other goodies, like some potato chips and miscellaneous treats.  I’m no hero, but I personally ate a few bags of those to make sure they were worthy of shipping across the globe.  Since I have a bit of time before surgery, I thought I would kill myself a bit more for one last big project.

Guess the design!

I can’t wait to get some more progress on this.  Hint:  it’s for the whole family, not just one person.  I’m already trying to plan the next one.  Then again, maybe when this is all done I’ll be itching to do something completely different.