On being productive

I am not the type of person that is  self-regimented into being productive each day.  I’d like to blame it on being bipolar II, but I am also lazy and generally unmotivated.  Thankfully, with medicine, I am suspiciously normal.  I still have my lethargic/manic swings but with the miracle of modern science I am very much less so.  On the other hand, medicine can only do so much. Some days are harder than others and that’s frustrating.  But, I’m going off on a tangent.

This weekend, the Mr. and the kids went to Grandma’s and I got some time to myself.  Usually, I eat a lot of junk food, watch tv, play on the computer, and mostly do a lot of nothing.  This weekend was different though.  I was actually productive:

-cleaned my disgusting microwave

-cleaned the disgusting toaster

-cleaned the disgusting double ovens

-cleaned the entire kitchen counter so that I could spray for disgusting bugs

-wrote two business blog posts but they weren’t disgusting

You can see inside and everything!

I am just as surprised as you.  I’m hoping not to have to do any cooking until Thanksgiving.  That seems reasonable.

I get a lot done when I’m home alone for a weekend but I don’t sleep well.  I enjoy the quiet and the ability to focus on what I’m doing with no distractions, but there’s also a bit of a creep factor being in the house alone.  Quite possibly because I read and watch too much horror.  And I’ve never liked sleeping alone.  The cats didn’t even want to lay on the bed–they took the empty house as opportunity to have the Semi-Quarterly Crazy Run.

Not related to this story, but Jake looks like an oil painting.

Regarding the creep factor, I’ve called the police twice over the years regarding concerns while I was home alone.  My house isn’t haunted by any means, but once in a while you will hear things that you shouldn’t.  And random weirdness happens–one day, about 15 minutes after the Mr. had left for a meeting, this car pulled into my driveway…and just sat there.

MIB

I didn’t see the car pull in so I was confused.  I was standing at the window when I took the picture, and opened the door and stood on the front steps trying to see if anyone was in the car.  I wanted to go and yell at them to get out of my driveway and then I remembered I don’t like getting murdered.  The windows were so tinted I couldn’t see into the car so when it just pulled out of the driveway and sped off it really freaked me out. Always an adventure.

I totally forgot to post about Father’s Day! I decided that we’d pay for an Ancestry DNA test because it was on sale and also because the Mr. has been wanting to do this for years.  Who knows how long it will take to get the results, though.  I’ve never been really interested in a DNA test because I didn’t think it would bring up anything interesting.  Asian mutt is what I figure it will be, but honestly, after watching this video it made me a bit more interested.  Skip to 6:28 for Eugene’s results:

The DNA test led into teaching the kids the basics about DNA.  How the traits you can see physically come from your parents, why my dark hair, dark eyed children might have blonde hair, blue eyed children and how portions of our DNA is in every living thing on the planet.  I need to quiz them though, to see if they retained anything.  It wasn’t terribly in depth, but it plants that seed for later discussion.

School is still going pretty well.  Robin is completely adverse to the idea of homework so when it comes time to do any independent work she immediately turns into a puddle of nothing.  You know it’s bad when big brother is warning her about her time management.  Our schedule is pretty good now, and I’m really enjoying the freedom to switch up our plans at whim while still having a decent structure.  Extra curricular activities are keeping us busy, plus the library has been doing some workshops on engineering (Earthquakes and Engineering and Castles and Catapults). Scheduled violin practice at home every day for Robin and sparring practice at the park with Josh on Friday mornings.  Wednesday or Thursday we try to do a few hours at the library for a change of scenery and to give the Mr. some alone time to focus.  Busy is good.  Add to that the regular Mom stuff.  And now add to that social media management and blogging for the business.   I’m trying to write enough content to be able to schedule and plan my posts but seriously, UGH.

The internet is fine, though.

There’s so much more to catch up on!  I could go on and on, but I’m tired but I need to play CivIV.  NEED.  zzzZZZneeeedzzzzz

 

All the rest

I was originally going to post this back some time in May but I was in a life or death battle with three rhinoceroses and all I had were night vision googles, a kazoo, and a pair of chopsticks.

Or maybe I just forgot I had this draft sitting around.  Whatever.  So anyway…

I have a ridiculous phobia of dentists.  I had multiple terrible experiences as a child and as a young adult on my own, I couldn’t afford to eat let alone go to the dentist.  My problems were from both neglect and genetics, so yay me.  By the time I started adulting, my teeth were in terrible even more terrible shape.

The answer was sedation dentistry.  A full day of drugs, being driven around, and spitting out things.  Dental insurance is ridiculously expensive; not all of us can work a union job.

You know exactly how it sounds.

Not just expensive, but thousands of dollars worth of work at once.  Thousands. I couldn’t bear the dentist and I wanted to get everything done at once, so that’s basically why I did it.  Bursting into tears half way to the dentist and begging to turn around and we don’t have to do this and we can cancel the appointment and it’s so expensive turn around turn around turn around!

(Fact:  we did not get to turn around)

So, recently, I started having tooth pain.  I was terrified because there just isn’t money for this right now ever.  I didn’t want to go but it was excruciating.  I didn’t go the sedation route for the first time in about 20 years.  I did take two clonazepam though.  I didn’t throw up or become hysterical.  This is a big deal as that is what would have happened had I not self medicated.  It was still expensive; about $220 for an x-ray.  That’s all they did, but to be fair, it was a fancy x-ray.

So fancy.

First off, the tooth in question should not have been hurting at all–I had a root canal and crown about 10 years ago.  That’s why the tooth is so opaque.  The nerves are removed/deadened so there shouldn’t be any pain.    Here’s some even fancier animation for you:

Now, if you look at my x-ray, you can see there’s a gap where the canal should be fully filled.  You see the white ‘pool’ under the tooth?  That’s an infection, also known as PAIN OF DEATH.  After my super expensive x-ray, I had to go to a specialist so they could drill through the crown.  Best case scenario:  they drill through the crown, remove the canal stuff, pack it with antibiotic stuff, come back in three weeks, remove the antibiotic stuff, repack the canal stuff, set temporary filling, then go to an additional appointment at the regular dentist to get a permanent filling.

Yeah.  Dentist –> Endodontist –> Endodontist –> Dentist.

Worst case scenario:  They drill through the crown, break it, have to replace the whole thing and send the mafia after me to break my kneecaps after I can’t pay them.

Luckily, everything went as planned.  Expensive.  First dentist x-ray was $220, filling and cleaning after the fact was $300?  I already don’t remember because I like to block out trauma.  The endodontist was $15oo, but the follow up procedure was included.  So as expensive as this was, still cheaper than sedation.  AND I didn’t have any tooth problems other than the original reason that bright me in!  No passive aggressive comments, no accidental stabbing me in the mouth, no jerks, no assholes.  I don’t floss enough which I think is pretty much standard for everyone.  At the endodontist I was shaking and crying but I pulled myself together by the time the dentist came in so no one saw which basically means it didn’t happen.

In other news, I am doing the thing!  I have accidentally been working on my ChÜberlist.  Accidental as in, I have just been living my life and making decisions that were not motivated by a list that I would have already forgotten if I didn’t have it blogged.  So here are my updates:

Self
1. Lose 10% of my current total body weight. – I’ve lost 5% of my body weight!  Yay me!  I decided to start paying attention on May 22 and it is actually getting easier.  I’m only dieting at the moment, but I’ll soon add actual exercise because right now I’m still too lazy and unmotivated.  Baby steps.
2. Practice better drug adherence. – I have been doing much better, actually.  I’m not skipping on purpose but there are nights that I fall asleep early and forget.  That is happening less and less though.
3. Get a haircut that I can maintain. – Is a pony tail a haircut?
4. Sleep like a normal human being. – What is “normal”, anyway?  Who’s to say how I sleep isn’t normal?  I think you’re being rather judgmental.
5. Be conscious about my appearance. – Okay, I bought some things.  I am aware that I have an appearance.  I have ONE picture of myself that I like.  These are all big steps so I’ll take what I can get.

Home
1. I need a meal plan. – Eating human food is the plan for now.  We do follow our breakfast schedule and I have a ton of muffins and breakfast tacos and frittatas in the freezer for consumption.
2. I need a chore schedule. 
3. Major Spring/Summer/Autumn/Winter cleaning. – I threw out SO. MUCH. STUFF.  Old computers, the chair I rocked my babies in every night, lots of memories.  Bittersweet.  
4. Get the ice maker fixed.
5. Stop procrastinating on all of the minor repairs and projects. – I replaced a towel bar.  I did something.

Kids – I AM KILLING IT WITH THIS PARENTING THING.  Okay, I’ve been killing it for like, a week, but still, a week is progress.  We have finished our first week back to school since I took almost two months off to deal with that whole business thing.  School every day, violin practice every day, tae kwon do on Monday and Friday, violin on Tuesday and on Friday we go to the park to practice tae kwon do (I let Josh kick and punch the shit out of me) and play.  Their bedrooms are adequate.  If I can just keep this up I will be impressed and very pleased.
1. Enforce a consistent school, practice, wake up and bedtime routine.
2. School at the library or park once a week.
3. Have lesson plans one month in advance.
4. Be more regimented on practice for extra curricular activities.
5. Help the kids stay on task with cleaning their rooms.

Crafty – Ain’t nobody got time for that.
1. Finish hand quilting that giant king sized quilt.
2. Finish water color painting.
3. Sketchbook every day. Eventually.
4. Teach Robin to sew and to knit (those were her resolutions, so now they’re mine as well)
5. Knit at least 2 pair of socks.
6. Blog at least once a week.

Miscellaneous
1. Revamp the fish tanks. – Done, but always redoing.  I feel a bit stretched thin (mentally and financially) to do much more at this time but I want more fish, more plants, etc.  So basically, more money.
2. Wash my car once a month (inside and out)

So I like all this good news lately so if everything could stay consistent for a while that’d be great.  Picture unrelated:

Check out Slack Wyrm for more!

Chris Cornell

Before I begin, please, if you’re feeling suicidal or just need someone to talk to, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741 in the US.  Here is a list of crisis lines by country.  Or fucking send me a message, my sleep is garbage anyway.

I wanted to take a break from my usual and talk about Chris Cornell, and I’m writing this so that maybe I’ll stop thinking about him.  I’m not writing this to debate or speculate if he intended to commit suicide or if his prescription medication altered his state of mind.  The ultimate fact is that he is gone painfully too soon.

I would never say I was his biggest fan by far, but I enjoyed his work and loved how talented and versatile he was.  His voice resonated with me from my youth to my current old bitterness.  And his passing pains me more than I ever thought it would.  I don’t know if it’s the shock and the suddenness.  I’m being quite selfish here, because the tragedy of a stranger is making me talk about myself, but so be it.  As a person that has fought with depression and suicide there are days where I feel like I’m barely hanging on.  And I’m angry about that because my life is good right now.  So good I want to freeze time.  I want to seal this moment forever because I’m terrified of the future.  I am under a doctor’s care, I take medication, I am not suicidal.  Right now.  That’s the terrifying part–once you’ve been there, you never really leave, at least not for me.

You remember these slides, right?  This is how I feel like my life is.  Maybe I started at the top like everyone else.  In the sun, happy.  But I found myself sliding down into the dark and I try to stop.  You have to use both hands, both feet.  And you get so fucking tired.  So you try to climb back up to the top, where everyone else is, where the sunshine and air is.  If you have people at the top, maybe they can lend a hand.  Maybe medicine will make you strong and you can climb back up.  But over time, you get so tired, and you feel things pulling at you, weighing you down.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get back up there.  I’m not sliding down, but I feel like I’m very consciously holding on.   And some days even with all the help you just get so damn tired and you know it would be so easy to let go and just slide down.  It would be a relief.  Even if the slide had no end or even a horrible end at least you wouldn’t be struggling so hard or hanging on to other people so heavily.  That’s how I feel with depression.  It feels like it’s always looming and it makes me a fraud.  Because I can function and talk and make jokes and take care of my kids and my family and enjoy things and all the while I’m screaming inside because maybe it’s all fake and I’m lying to myself.  Maybe I’ve learned how to put on a pretty good show.

To be clear, I feel firmly held right now, but I’m always aware and always afraid.  Maybe it’s just how my life is and will have to be.

So when I hear about Chris Cornell, who by all accounts should be happy, like I should be happy…how could he slide down?  How the hell can I hold on while someone who outwardly has everything cannot hold himself up or have the strength to hang on to someone else’s hand.  What hope is there for me, when someone like him has lost all?  I used to think that suicide was so selfish and it made me angry.  It is selfish, but the weight that some people have, the demons that pull them down, are just too much.  I feel robbed, as the whole world does, as his family and friends do.  But I’m also selfishly afraid.

That’s really all.  I just wanted to vent.  Here are some videos.

“One” lyrics by Metallica, music by U2  Note:  The lyrics have been slightly altered to fit with the music, so the lyrics below are not exact.  You can hear “One” by Metallica here and “One” by U2 (original music video) here.  Both amazing and haunting songs on their own.  The video for Metallica’s video comes from the book and subsequent movie “Johnny Got His Gun” which is a whole other level of surreal.

I can’t remember anything
Can’t tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me

Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up, I cannot see
That there’s not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me

Back in the womb it’s much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can’t look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I’ll live

Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me

Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh God, help me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, help me

Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmine
Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

“One” lyrics by U2, for reference.

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say…

One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s…

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One…

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One…life

One