Beating a dead horse

I’ve only been dealing with this Photobucket fiasco for a few days now and I’m already done.  Done with Photobucket but also with the comments about “you get what you pay for”.

Okay, STOP for just a damn minute.

kill la kill, fuck you

To Photobucket and everyone else being a dick right now.

Photobucket has been free to use for a very long time; I’ve been using it for 11 years now.  If they had offered something that appealed to me, I would have been more than happy to pay for it.  But since I started using PB, I’ve only accumulated less than 3,000 photos which is a damn lot for me, but nothing compared to what others have collected.  I had a whole 1.4 GB used of a 2.1 GB available to me through the free service.  And yes, it was free for me, but don’t for one fucking second think that PB was doing this out of the goodness of their hearts–they made money or they would not have offered the service.  They receive money by the way of ad revenue and based on the amount of ads that were constantly popping up in my face, they weren’t doing that bad in terms of advertising dollars.

The garbage part of this whole deal is that there was no notice, no option for something affordable or month to month, and now, no way to get back the pictures that have been locked down.  Skimming through some of the WP blogs, I saw someone note something that I had not thought about:  $400 per year doesn’t guarantee you anything.  If you want to be able to 3rd party host, you have to pay the $400.  Some people would do it, I’m sure, if they had the need for the enormous amount of storage being provided at that rate.  However, what’s to say that $400 is going to buy you a year of service?  The giant exodus from PB makes many wonder if they’re going to be around in another month, let alone a year.  So $400 is the ransom that some people are having to cough up.

The other thing that is a serous pain in the ass for me is that you cannot download folders of gifs from PB.  Folders that have jpg and certain other picture formats can be downloaded as a whole and is actually pretty darn convenient.  But, if you have jpg mixed with gif in a folder, then the downloaded folder will only have the jpg files.  All gif files have to manually downloaded.  I’m glad I didn’t put any video on there; I’d probably still be working on it.

As of today, I’ve finally finished downloading all of my pictures from PB and deleted my account.  It takes a day or two for it to completely shut down though, just in case I go bonkers and decide to cough up the annual fee.  There were plenty of pictures that were not even accessible to me, but I did get most of them out.  The thought of organizing them on my own computer is daunting and I’m seriously struggling if I even want to go back and put pictures back into 11 years worth of blog posts.  Maybe I’ll just do my usual stupid photos and gifs going forward and pretend the last 11 years never happened.

But probably not.  I’ll probably just be real pissy and bitchy about it and restore all of my posts.

Happily Random

This song seems terrible at first, sacrilegious as some would say.  Even while I laugh, I get that feeling that I might just cry towards the end because the song is actually quite beautiful.

The books you think I wrote are way too thick
Who needs a thousand metaphors to figure out you shouldn’t be a dick?
And I don’t watch you when you sleep
Surprisingly I don’t use my omnipotence to be a fucking creep

You’re not going to heaven
Why the fuck would you think I’d ever kick it with you?
None of you are going to heaven
There’s a trillion aliens cooler than you

You shouldn’t abstain from rape just cause you think that I want you to
You shouldn’t rape cause rape is a fucked up thing to do
(Pretty obvious, just don’t fucking rape people. Didn’t think I had to write that one down for you.)

I don’t think masturbation is obscene
It’s absolutely natural and the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen
You make my job a living hell
I sent gays to fix overpopulation
Boy did that go well

You’re not going to heaven
Eat a thousand crackers sing a million hymns
None of you are going to heaven
You’re not my children
You’re just a bad game of Sim

You shouldn’t abstain from pork just cause you think that I want you to
You can eat pork cause why the fuck would I give a shit?
(I created the universe, think I’m drawing the line at the fucking deli aisle?)

You argue and you bicker and you fight
Atheists and Catholics, Jews and Hindus argue day and night
Over what they think is true
But no one entertains the thought of maybe God does not believe in you
You pray so badly for heaven
Knowing any day might be the day that you die
But maybe life on earth could be heaven
Doesn’t just the thought of it make it worth a try?

My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it
You won’t need it
My love’s the type of thing that you have to earn and when you earn it
You won’t need it

I’m not gonna give you love just cause I know that you want me to
If you want love then the love’s gotta come from you

Chris Cornell

Before I begin, please, if you’re feeling suicidal or just need someone to talk to, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741 in the US.  Here is a list of crisis lines by country.  Or fucking send me a message, my sleep is garbage anyway.

I wanted to take a break from my usual and talk about Chris Cornell, and I’m writing this so that maybe I’ll stop thinking about him.  I’m not writing this to debate or speculate if he intended to commit suicide or if his prescription medication altered his state of mind.  The ultimate fact is that he is gone painfully too soon.

I would never say I was his biggest fan by far, but I enjoyed his work and loved how talented and versatile he was.  His voice resonated with me from my youth to my current old bitterness.  And his passing pains me more than I ever thought it would.  I don’t know if it’s the shock and the suddenness.  I’m being quite selfish here, because the tragedy of a stranger is making me talk about myself, but so be it.  As a person that has fought with depression and suicide there are days where I feel like I’m barely hanging on.  And I’m angry about that because my life is good right now.  So good I want to freeze time.  I want to seal this moment forever because I’m terrified of the future.  I am under a doctor’s care, I take medication, I am not suicidal.  Right now.  That’s the terrifying part–once you’ve been there, you never really leave, at least not for me.

You remember these slides, right?  This is how I feel like my life is.  Maybe I started at the top like everyone else.  In the sun, happy.  But I found myself sliding down into the dark and I try to stop.  You have to use both hands, both feet.  And you get so fucking tired.  So you try to climb back up to the top, where everyone else is, where the sunshine and air is.  If you have people at the top, maybe they can lend a hand.  Maybe medicine will make you strong and you can climb back up.  But over time, you get so tired, and you feel things pulling at you, weighing you down.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get back up there.  I’m not sliding down, but I feel like I’m very consciously holding on.   And some days even with all the help you just get so damn tired and you know it would be so easy to let go and just slide down.  It would be a relief.  Even if the slide had no end or even a horrible end at least you wouldn’t be struggling so hard or hanging on to other people so heavily.  That’s how I feel with depression.  It feels like it’s always looming and it makes me a fraud.  Because I can function and talk and make jokes and take care of my kids and my family and enjoy things and all the while I’m screaming inside because maybe it’s all fake and I’m lying to myself.  Maybe I’ve learned how to put on a pretty good show.

To be clear, I feel firmly held right now, but I’m always aware and always afraid.  Maybe it’s just how my life is and will have to be.

So when I hear about Chris Cornell, who by all accounts should be happy, like I should be happy…how could he slide down?  How the hell can I hold on while someone who outwardly has everything cannot hold himself up or have the strength to hang on to someone else’s hand.  What hope is there for me, when someone like him has lost all?  I used to think that suicide was so selfish and it made me angry.  It is selfish, but the weight that some people have, the demons that pull them down, are just too much.  I feel robbed, as the whole world does, as his family and friends do.  But I’m also selfishly afraid.

That’s really all.  I just wanted to vent.  Here are some videos.

“One” lyrics by Metallica, music by U2  Note:  The lyrics have been slightly altered to fit with the music, so the lyrics below are not exact.  You can hear “One” by Metallica here and “One” by U2 (original music video) here.  Both amazing and haunting songs on their own.  The video for Metallica’s video comes from the book and subsequent movie “Johnny Got His Gun” which is a whole other level of surreal.

I can’t remember anything
Can’t tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me

Now that the war is through with me
I’m waking up, I cannot see
That there’s not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me

Back in the womb it’s much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can’t look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I’ll live

Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, wake me

Now the world is gone, I’m just one
Oh God, help me
Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please, God, help me

Darkness
Imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmine
Has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

“One” lyrics by U2, for reference.

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say…

One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it’s…

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One…

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can’t be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One…life

One