Photo Dump: Stocky Goodness

The amount of time it takes to find copyright free, high quality stock photos is higher than I thought.  I’m cheap though, so as long as I don’t have to pay actual currency, I can work through it.  The best part about stock photography is that sometimes it’s random as shit and hilariously bizarre.  Here are a few of my favorites:

The cast of Twilight models shorts.

 

Don’t mind me, just fucking a chicken leg.

 

Remove the feet for safekeeping.

 

And here we see the rare croissant in its natural habitat.

 

Time to summon Evil Jackaloupe!

 

I feel like this couch is saying something to me…

 

The winner of wacky hat day 4 years and running!

 

So majestic.

Photo Dump: Shit Post

Jeez, what a fucking couple of weeks.  Here’s a run down, not necessarily related to the pictures.

I didn't have plans anyway.

I didn’t have plans anyway.

1. I am still recovering from my last carpal tunnel surgery; it was so much more painful than the first one.  The first (right hand) healed really quickly but even after a month the skin on my left hand is red and super sensitive.  It’s not raw or anything, but it hurts to the touch.  It’s truly just the surface and scarring area; the surgery part is fine and I no longer have pain.  Both hands can’t support serious weight on the palms, so holding pots and pans can be really painful.  Thankfully, I’m taking a 37 year break from push-ups so I’m sure I’ll be fine soon.

That fucking face! I am dying.

That fucking face! I am dying.

2. I have a fair amount of skin coloring and have always had various freckles.  I categorize them as freckles, not moles as they are small, flat and symmetrical.  Fact: when I was a kid, my family used to tell me that freckles were fly poop :( Anyway, I discovered an odd marking on the back of my right leg, right below my calf muscle.  I went to the dermatologist and they did a shave biopsy. It bled forever and it hurts like hell.  As far as I know, there is no abnormality (cancer), but that dermatologist is the kind that doesn’t contact you unless there’s something wrong.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m a wimp or if it’s just because the skin is being constantly pulled if I’m walking or what.  Hurrrrrts.

I really should call because leave it to my lovely luck that I’ve been dead for a week and the doctor just forgot about me.

*chews sadly*

*chews sadly*

3.  I finally went to an ENT (ear, nose, and throat doctor) to check out my ridiculous nose bleeds.  At the particular office I went to, I had to see the Physicians Assistant who then proceeded to do all the nose things that aliens do.  She also proceeded to cauterize two blood vessels in my nose.   You can watch the procedure here (but don’t because it is as bad as you might think); I had cauterization with silver nitrate.  She noted that she couldn’t see any spots that appeared to have bled recently so she literally cauterized the two places she thought might be suspicious.  The PA neglected to tell me that it was going to hurt like fucking hell and I should have just been happy with bleeding to death.

The general consensus is that it feels like you’ve had your nose broken and while I’ve never had my nose broken, it did feel like I was dying.  I honestly thought I was going to have to go to the hospital because I didn’t think this was normal.

 

I'm 40% nose bleeds.

I’m 40% nose bleeds.

4. My nose ran non-stop.  Not like, sniffles, but shit was streaming out of my face.  I know I’m painting a delightful picture here.  I was not expecting that since again, it was not mentioned.  What the PA did let me know is to call the office immediately if I had a nosebleed so that I could come in and have them re-cauterize any bleeding areas.  If I waited then they wouldn’t be able to tell where I bled (like that day, for instance). Two days after the cauterization my nose started bleeding again.  As per her instruction, I called the office to try to come in on a Friday around noon.

“There are no providers in the office today; you will have to wait until Monday.”  The receptionist sounded like I offended her and her whole family by trying to explain that this is what the PA told me to do.  Ugh, fuck all this shit.  I’ll just bleed to death.

 

I hope to achieve this line of thinking some day.

I hope to achieve this line of thinking some day.

5. My windows are still not done.  The windows that are paid for and installed two months ago are still wrong and need to be replaced.  I could write a whole post about this aggravation and I’m tempted because I want the whole world to know how fucking stupid this has been.  But I really want to wait until the whole ordeal is over to see how events unfold.

Then I’ll bitch about it.

Photo Dump: Decrepit Old Lady Edition

I haven’t been posting and now I feel totally shitty.  Coincidence?  I THINK NOT.  I have the cruds today and I’m not getting out of bed.

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

1.) This is an old picture, but it was my attempt a month ago or so to make a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pancake.  I got the mutant part down.  I need a better squeeze bottle if I’m going to do this again and not traumatize my children.

My sweatshirt is orange.  Click to embiggen!

2.)  I have been having too much fun with NPC Comic.  It amuses me much!

I done got my hair did.

3.) As per my ChÜberlist: 2014 I was going to donate my hair but upon closer inspection, I actually didn’t have long hair, but a very elaborate network of straw, grass, tumbleweed, and a tiny nest of baby birds.  In other words, previous hair dyeing and general neglect made me decide that my hair wasn’t donation-worthy.  So I’m now 10 inches lighter and all the unhealthy garbage is gone.  Maybe next time.  *big fail sigh*

So…this is my life now.

Or more appropriately, Wendy’s sad life.

4.) I’m going to be selfish for a minute and say I never wanted a dog with so many fucking problems.  So many expensive fucking problems.  Fingers crossed that this is only a bladder infection and her constant leaking all over the couch/ottoman/chair is done with.  $45 vet check and medication, $30 dog diapers WTF, $230 to clean and sanitize the furniture.  Laundry every day.  And let’s remember that we still need a $200 blood test in a few weeks.  Let me be clear:  I love my dog.  She’s loyal and loving and funny and sweet.  She just has so many problems right now.  And frankly, I can’t take another pet death.  I’m fucking traumatized and it’s just too painful.

Bite my terrified metal ass.

5.) I’m going to the doctor next week.  I get cruds that don’t go away, I have a knee that won’t work and then there’s everything else that’s wrong with me.  I hate going to doctors and dentists because I’ve had some terrible ones.  Terribly unprofessional ones.  But seeing as I’m rapidly aging and I spend more money on the dog going to the vet than I do on my own health, I should go. It would be great if I had some anti-anxiety meds left, but for that I need to go to a fucking doctor. Bad catch-22.  And I don’t like setting a bad example for my kids.  And I probably want to live and all that.