I’m getting my stupid ass carpal tunnel fixed! I’ve complained about it from time to time. Started during my first pregnancy with very, very light swelling. Apparently, it just focused on that one spot. If you are not familiar with carpal tunnel, maybe check out this video of open carpel tunnel release surgery -or- just look at this picture:
Outpatient, local anesthesia, cut open your hand, find the transverse carpal ligament and cut it. Stitch it all up and get the fuck out.
FYI, I made the kids watch that video. This could be the thing that pushes them into medicine. Or therapy. Whatever.
It has been getting worse and worse and worse. Swelling, pain, numbness all the time. Yes, my finger tips are numb as I type. But I know how to type and I can still make my fingers move, so that’s how I’m still creating this magic.
It hurts to drive. It hurts to go to the bathroom. Sleeping is a pain. Driving. Buttons on clothing? NAH let’s wear sweats for the rest of this blistering hot summer. I have been trying to cook and freeze meals while I wait on a surgery date. *sigh*
3 months of recovery? On average, anyway. Other people just ready to go a couple weeks after surgery. Right hand first, then left. I need to get both done before August because of my insurance. I have a $500 deductible right now. $500! My last insurance was $4000. PER PERSON. $8000 per family, so basically, it was financially practical for all of us to get into a plane crash rather than just one or two people get hospitalized in a year. It’s all about planning, people.
Co-pays don’t count against deductibles though, so all those $50 specialist co-pays are adding up. It’s a fucking racket.
I have so much to talk about but my mind is very scatterbrained. Hopefully I’ll get scheduled tomorrow so I can have a countdown. In the mean time, I’m just driving my hands into the ground doing all of the things that I’m about not going to be able to do.
I spent all this time away from blogging to watch tear jerking all the good anime on Netflix. So good. So good.
I did set up my new 40 gallon breeder. This is one of the first layouts I had. It has changed a million times. I’ll do a separate photo dump dedicated to fish later.
I got a new 20 gallon long thanks to another $1 per gallon sale at Petco. I wanted it for Zenith, but I gave it to the kids instead. They wanted painted backgrounds.
Josh had a birthday. He is 9. MY BABY IS 9 YEARS OLD.
We celebrate Magnus’ birthday at the same time we celebrate Josh’s.
My carpal tunnel, or supposed carpal tunnel, is in full swing.
I’m cross stitching which is actually not the only thing contributing to the pain. Writing, typing, carrying heavy things, living, dying–all of these things seem to bring pain equally. I get to call a neurologist tomorrow for an appointment and maybe a conductivity test for my nerves.
Oy, heat and air heat and air heat and air. My poor energy bill. And then it rained too much. It never snowed. Boohiss.
I’ve been cycling the ever living shit out of that new tank; it’s been just shy of a month and it’s been cycled for a couple of days now. I may or may not have screwed it up, though. We’ll see tomorrow when I test the water again.
First, I have excellent news. Loach the Loach has three new friends that I picked up recently: Coach Loach, Loach Approach, and Stagecoach Loach. They’ve literally been celebrating ever since, swimming around the tank and excited for pipes and rocks and plants and stuff and other fish! They dance all night (nocturnal) but still zip about here and there during the day. They stack on top of each other when they take a break. It’s truly amazing. The best part:
I also got two more swordtail, Haineko and Minazuki. They’re not as big as the Grande Dame Benihime but they’re still new. And for good measure, a nice picture of Otto:
I still need more of these guys; waiting to get Bot, Graph, and Matic. Maybe a Bahn or a Bus in there, too. We’ll see.
In full nerd fashion, I decided to experiment with lighting since I want to plant the new tank. I am not interested in a CO2 set up right now because I’m poor and lazy. Amazingly, more poor than lazy. So I bought a properly watted and colored daylight bulb and started testing how it would affect the plants.
On the driftwood are some generic anubias, micro sword, pygmy chain sword, and red ludwigia.
Same plants, but I’ve trimmed and replanted the ludwigia. Water lettuce on top, new female betta up there, too. Her name is Gabrielle! She’s fine in the community tank but when I tried to add another female (Oscar) it didn’t work out. Oscar was getting picked on a lot by the swordtail so I took her back. So sad. She was a beautiful yellow girl, very vibrant. I’ll set up a sorority when I can afford to; until then, Gabrielle gets to hang out peacefully with everyone else.
Since I took pictures last I bought some anacharis and something called rorippa. Amazingly, plants are more expensive than fish and I don’t particularly care if they die. It’s only a pain to clean up. I’ve gotten 50 lbs of blasting sand into the bottom of the tank and will hopefully finish adding the rock hardscape soon. Then black flourite. Then plants. Then swordtails. Then tetras and betta. Then otos and loaches.
So, the important thing is that I’m having fun and have something to occupy my time. Like washing sand and testing water parameters every day. I really, really can’t wait to have something to show for my efforts. More soon!
If you work at PetCo corporate, you get to bring your pets to work EVERY DAY.
Yes, that was random, but I’m distracted. I’m watching Tanked and it’s probably my favorite show right now. It’s no secret that I love my fish, but the upkeep can be cost prohibitive. So, until I have a place that can support thousands of pounds of aquarium, I’ll have to settle for watching TV shows about things I can’t afford. I didn’t mention it (or did I?), but we got a new mascot for the classroom!
I made the picture sepia toned because I can’t get a good shot of that fish to save my life. He’s bright (strawberry, geddit?) red and he’s super active but the only pictures I seem to be able to get are completely blurry or off color:
The next thing that’s been occupying my time has been catching up on abandoned manga. I stopped reading certain manga because they reminded me too much of people that are no longer in my life. You know how it is–just too much connection, you know? Thankfully I’m over that and I’m so glad. I am finally caught up all the way on Bleach and Ouran High School Host Club! I think I stopped reading Bleach somewhere around the Fullbring arc and OHSHC somewhere around the end of the first year.
I actually feel okay about how OHSHC ended. It was adorable and absolutely pulled my heart strings. I found out only today that there is a live action movie–it looks absolutely ridiculous. I think it works much better as an anime and manga; it’s just so cartoon-y and fun.
Bleach is still ongoing and I’m so glad I’ve finally caught myself up. When you were a kid, did you ever hear adults talking and had no idea what they were talking about? You simply didn’t understand because you were too young? I feel like I finally figured out some great secret.
I actually read this small section to Josh without revealing all of the other information (he is only now starting the Vaizard arc). I couldn’t help it. I needed someone to scream and jump around with! I didn’t tell him everything of course. I left it somewhere around here:
Lastly and leastly, I’ve been fairly obsessed with adult coloring books. Adult as in ‘for grown ups’ not adult as in x-rated. There is only so much coloring you can do on x-rated pictures anyway. The worst part about the coloring is that I think it’s somewhat counter productive. I’m not getting any serious stress relief and it’s actually hurting my hand because I am gripping the markers so tightly.
I am having a lot of fun, so at the very least, it’s not stressful in the bad way. I’m staying up too late some nights and I get easily distracted during the daytime when I should be preparing lessons or whatnot. But oh well.
The book is called Secret Garden and I like it enough. My biggest complaint is that it’s SO DIFFICULT to color the bound edges; some images go all the way into the binding crease. The markers bleed through so I have to choose which picture I’m going to color. I figured as much and frankly choosing isn’t very difficult for this book. A lot of the pages are ‘draw the rest of the page’ and I came here to showcase my poor coloring skills, not my poor drawing skills thankyouverymuch. I also wish the pages were perforated (which would also address the issue of coloring on the bound edges). The next book I get I’ll color with colored pencil if there are actually pictures on both sides of one page that I’m interested in. I picked this one up on a whim at Target but I’m sure I’ll be more selective with my next purchase. I’m not trying to sound critical, it just comes naturally I guess.
Basically, that’s what I’ve been doing instead of focusing on normal household duties. I also fell down the basement stairs because the HAND RAIL BROKE OFF and I hurt my shoulder. Then just as I was feeling not dead, I had the pukes (allergy related) and got laid up for one more day. In short, I’ve been a mess and a half. My hope is that this week will be better and more productive barring any debilitating accidents, illness, or major manga story line developments.
Yes, I am back…I just went out for a pack of cigarettes…Right?
And I might have to go out for cigarettes again, so come close and listen…right now I’m sitting in my living room, two kids sleeping on the couch after a long, fun night of slumber party silliness. Cartoons until midnight? Stupid story telling time? Games and snacks and sleeping bags? All yes. Except they hate sleeping on the floor and have migrated to the couch and have sort of crowded me out. I’ve been laying here for over an hour not sleeping. Now I’m using my laptop sans USB keyboard so I get to go back and add spaces. Fun,right? Let’s begin:
Still crazy: The good news is that I have been seeing a doctor that may have me on the right medication. Bad news is the wait for an appointment is generally an hour+ after my appointment time. Add two young kids to that and it’s doubly tedious. To be fair, my kids are super good at the doctor’s offices since they have to go with me and i go all the damn time. Honestly, I am not doing the best job at mitigating my symptoms. I stay up too late, play video games too late, don’t take my medication at consistent times(I take my medicine, just some nights at 9 PM,other nights at 1 PM, etc). This really needs to change. I’m almost 36 fucking years old and I am not acting like a very responsible adult. One of the big things I really need to do is get a sleep routine. Currently,my sleep routine is ”play Warcraft until I fall asleep”, or sometimes “take an Ambien and play Warcraft until I fall asleep”.
I don’t stay awake for days nor do I have all the prior symptoms of sleep deprivation that I used to have but that’s not saying much. That’s like saying “all my bones are broken but at least I can blink now” or whatever. I’m bad at analogies lately, sue me.
So…yeah, I’m going to grow up eventually. The Ambien is great for knocking me out (as long as it’s taken on an empty stomach) but it kills me the next day. I’ve tried cutting the dose but I end up not staying asleep or not falling asleep on time and then sleeping late. Tonight for example: I am not, nor would I take Ambien when it’s just me and the kids. Since we’re playing slumber party, I can’t exactly be knocked out by 11 PM so I didn’t take any tonight. It’s currently 1:30 AM and I had been laying in the dark for an hour not sleeping. One thing I do is count backwards from 100 to 0, then 200 to 0, then 300 to 0. Obviously it doesn’t always work. Then I start thinking about shit from like, 16 years ago and think “What was my telephone number? Whatever happened to those shoes? Do I still have that ugly lamp?”
Kid stuff: school, school, school, violin, Tae Kwon Do, library, library, library, clean your room, don’t use up all the hot water taking a shower, you didn’t do your homework, practice your violin, blah, blah, blah. But it’s also: let’s take the day off and watch cartoons, let’s skip work and just make art all day, let’s play Monopoly/Pig/Operation/Risk/chess/Dungeons & Dragons/badminton, plant flowers, look for treasure, tell stories, read stories, make brinner, watch meteor showers, bird watch, solve puzzles. We’re nerds, so what.
The home school thing is going pretty well; I need to get them into something social though. They’re still young and happy to be with each other, but not having friends other than your siblings is not what I want for them. And it won’t be like that forever, but it’s just one out of the millions of things I worry about on my way to *not* screwing up my kids.
Mildly related: I hate the term “growing like a weed”. I get it (growing quickly) but I hate the idea of referring to my kids as weeds. They’re seriously growing so, so, so, so, much. Not like, pituitary gland much, but in the healthy-kid-why-are-you-so-many-inches-taller way. New shoes, new pants new shirts only because they’re not long enough. If I’d let them, they’d wear the same shirts forever because they’re not growing wider, just taller. The banana phase of growth, I guess. Robin is the worst because she wants to wear her old dresses and it’s always a resounding NO because they’re all too short now. I’ve already bought her some new ones. Long ones. I’d dress her like a small Amish boy if I thought I could get away with it, but I can’t. She has serious fashion sense and I don’t know where she gets it from. Maybe all of those Project Runway episodes while I was pregnant?
Josh is also growing up too fast just like his sister, but emotionally. He “doesn’t need me” to sit in on his Tae Kwon Do classes anymore, so if I need to get groceries, I should just go do that and then pick him up. I’m not crying about that, I’m sure a pipe has just burst directly overhead. He wasn’t being mean, he is just growing up. I still go, but when I have to pick up some things, I go and do that, too. Bittersweet.
Animals: I have been murdering fish for months, but I finally have it down to zero deaths. Zero deaths since February, whoohoo! Seriously, that is a major accomplishment for me. I started out with a betta. He died. Betta number two. He died. Guppies. Dead. Snails. Dead. Albino bristle nose plecostomus. Dead. Aquarium plants. Dead. Now I finally have everything pretty much under control: two blood red swordtails (Zangetsu and Benihime), a small school of neon tetras (Spaghetti and Meatballs) and a black kuhli loach (The Loach). I ended up adding two snails (Pigwidgeon and Snowball) because I’m dumb. The loach is a bottom feeder, but not necessarily an algae eater. So,snails.
I shaved the cat. Don’t be like that, you’re not 12. Spring time equals death for me and this year translated to the most allergy sick pukes I’ve ever had. I mean seriously. Loud. Wretching. I’m such a delicate flower. Jake and his long fur is formal and dignified, but since I’ve cut his hair, he now looks like a cross between a poofy Siamese and an adorable little lamb. Having a a cat get a lion cut is not as bad as it sounds, but it’s also expensive as hell and I don’t like the idea of risking his life to be put under anesthesia just for a haircut.
So, in a long line of great life decisions, I cut his hair myself. I started with just scissors and a comb. He looked like he had some sort of mange. Then I thought “razor comb!” and that didn’t really work at all except for the fact that he loves biting combs now. I finally bought a hair clipper and wrestled with him. I did get enough fur off to make it worthwhile, but he never tried to hurt me while he fought back. He was actually chewing on my arm at one point, but not nearly as hard as he could. Obviously he didn’t like the clippers but when I’d let him go for a break and call him back, he’d come right back to me. There’s also something incredibly satisfying about buzzing off so much fur. I didn’t go as short as some, but he’s sufficiently short haired enough that I am significantly less sick. He now likes to lay on my pillow while I sleep, either to cuddle because he’s chillier with less fur, or he’s slowly killing me through my allergies.
The shitty news is that Wendy passed away. Goddammit that fucking dog. I wasn’t ready at all for this. In fact, I had taken her to the vet about a week before she died because she wasn’t eating and I thought it was her teeth (it totally was) but the $300 estimeate for sedation dental work was more than what I could do at the time. This wasn’t going to make her ill as long as we addressed it within a month or two per the vet. But Wendy was having other signs of distress that I didn’t pick up on.
She had been sleeping on the bed with me and sometimes in my arms at night. I had an arm chair next to the bed so she could hop on that and then up to her blanket at the foot of the bed. I started to notice that she started sleeping more in the chair and I didn’t know why. Jake would sit right in her spot and she was super intimidated by him (he was a grump) but even when he wasn’t there, she seemed to just settle for the chair. When I’d call her to dinner or to go outside, she would take forever to get downstairs. I honestly thought she was just dawdling or lagging behind. By the time she had gotten to her destination, whether it be up or down stairs, she was panting. She had been losing weight because of the teeth thing, but not an inappropriate amount–she was supposed to be dieting anyway, so the vet was happy that she was just shy of 20 lbs. I just thought she was tired. Or maybe she had been doing something bad and then was hurrying over to me to pretend to be innocent. Every time I’d check for signs (and smells) of mischief, there was nothing.
Damn. When I put it all out like this it sounds so obvious but it wasn’t at the time. I just thought she was feeling old and fat and tired. No one else noticed anything wrong, not even the vet. But we weren’t exactly looking for problems. One nigh I noticed how hard she was laboring to breathe. I stayed up with her that Friday night and then again on Saturday night. That Sunday, the Mr. took her to the emergency vet and they euthanized her. I didn’t go because I hadn’t slept for two days and I was a wreck.
I’m so angry and frustrated. I feel like I failed her, failed her like I failed Boris. I couldn’t let her suffer and she was so far sick in her liver and her heart that treatment would have been astronomical, not to mention she’d be struggling and suffering. And treatment is never a guarantee. I didn’t want to prolong it, even if I had all the money in the world. I’m mad at myself, mad at the world, mad at the vets, mad at anyone who has groomed her, looked at her, been near her. Why didn’t anyone know?
Mostly I’m just mad at myself. I didn’t have her body brought because I just couldn’t take it. I’m mad about that, too. Being a sleep deprived emotional wreck makes decision making pretty awful. I regret everything. I should have taken her to the vet, I should have held her while she died, I should have carried her home and buried her in the yard. It should have been me. I miss her. A lot. Fucking jerk stinkopotamus dog with all the seizures and messing in the house and being so fucking needy all the time. I just fucking wasn’t ready. I only had three short years with her. That’s not fair. I’m still not ready. That fucking dog. I miss her.
In a real and rational sense, I know I did the right thing and I know I did the best I could. I tried to give her the best I could over the years and even tried to find someone to take care of here when I felt that I could not. I always seemed to find just one more sliver of strength to pull from and redouble my efforts in her care. She was the best snuggler and better for me than any sleeping pill. But reality and rationality were never my strong points anyway.
Nerdstuff: I’ve been playing Warcraft a lot (but not too much, really, I promise, I can quit any time) but I still only have one level 100. I’m not very motivated to get everyone else up to speed so I’ve been just acheivement hunting for the past few weeks. And playing Hearthstone. Having a good time being a filthy casual. Josh has been begging to play D&D so we’re all playing as a family now. I play their mom. I’m also a really crappy sorceress but my kids are half human, half dragon warrior and half human, half cat bard. So just like real life. Playing Risk usually devolves from a 4 person game to a 2 person game with a lot of staring at the board. We are doing movie night and game night on alternating Sundays and we have been playing things like UNO and Pig so there has been a lot of screaming and yelling and hexing going on. We are all competitive by nature and it’s hard not to yell with taunting glee when my 5 year old loses all her points.
I’ve been reading a lot lately, enough to make myself hoarse. I’ve been reading The Harry Potter series to the kids and using is as a discussion point for real life. We are waiting impatiently for the next and final book in the How to Train Your Dragon series, How to Fight a Dragon’s Fury. I’ve been reading from the library for myself, too, but mostly graphic novels because that’s about all I have the attention span for. Doesn’t matter, still excellent. Here are the ones I can remember off the top of my head:
The Mice Templar: I haven’t finished the series yet because my library doesn’t have all of them. WHY do they do this?! “Let’s get every volume of the series except for book 2″ What a great idea. I find this a lot, but usually only after I’m emotionally invested in a series. For some reason, I’m a huge fan of mouse featured works: Maus, Mouse Guard, Stuart Little, The Secret of NIMH, are a few examples,
CrossGame: I thought I was going to hate this, actually, but I was hooked immediately. I only originally picked it up from the library because it was big and I thought it would kill some time. Such a great story; I’m a big baby by nature, but holy cow, this made me bawl my eyes out.
The Graveyard Book: Volumes one and two. The story is told clearly and the art is wonderful. And it’s Neil Gaimen so there ya go.
I haven’t been very crafty lately. I’m just not motivated or feeling creative. When I do, the feelings pass before I can really get started on anything. I don’t know if it’s because of the medicine I take or if I’m just not pushing myself hard enough. Or maybe the medicine isn’t working as intended and my depression symptoms are coming back. At this point I really can’t care, I have more to occupy myself than I have in a very long time and I’m fine with that. The most creative thing I’ve done lately is draw some pictures on Josh’s birthday presents and that’s about it. I had great motivation not to screw it up and ruin his entire birthday.
Right now I’m pretty okay but I’m tentative about everything: kids, marriage, mental health, physical health. I don’t know that I’ll ever be fully comfortable with myself regarding any of those things, but maybe that’s good. With comfort comes complacency and let’s face it, I’m a lazy asshole. That’s partially the reason for the blog silence. Just lazy. But there was also a lot of focus on just living, reforging my marriage, parenting my children so I’m not exactly sorry. Also, can you believe how weird that sounds–“parenting my children”. I’m so old and suburban…but at least I’m also childish and irresponsible so it all works out. And if I don’t blog for another six months then I don’t blog for another six months and I’m okay with that,too.
I’ve been waiting to wrap up my story; kind of rolling it around in my mind about how I would end this tale of crazy. During my nearly month long procrastination session, I’ve discovered something that’s been eating away at me: There isn’t really an end to this, is there? This brain melt is something that I am going to have to live with and monitor and be forever vigilant. I really want to wake up one day and just be not crazy. But then the reality sets in and I know that if I really felt that way, it would probably mean I was ultra-mega-man crazy.
I started this draft on 10/31 and I’m just now getting back to it today on 11/9.
I’ll get back to all the other details in another post because right now I want to talk about what kind of horrible garbage it is to get mental health treatment. Basically,
I was released from the hospital on May 12; that was exactly 182 days ago. Ideally, with any sort of long term chronic illness, you want to get better, not worse. When I was being treated at the hospital, I literally felt as if a fog was being lifted from me. It had been such a ridiculously long time since I had felt anything other than suicidal. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like I was going around with razor blades sticking out of my wrists or anything. I was however, faking every thing. Every second I was alone, even if it was just going to the bathroom, felt like a palpable darkness. It’s amazing how different you feel and perceive the world when your brain functions properly. The part of my depression that takes the biggest toll on me is knowing that the line is so thin between well and not well. The realization of all of those thoughts. The knowledge of what kind of impact your suicide would have on others when you’re well, and the complete disregard for it when you’re unwell. This is how I imagined my life would be emotionally after proper medication:
I thought I’d be at normal-ish now. Not what I’d consider a “happy” person, but stable and for lack of a better phrase “okay with stuff”. I knew I’d hit some unrealistic peak while my medication was being adjusted and I knew it would be difficult. Easing back into a “normal” routine when just a few days/weeks/months ago I knew exactly how I’d kill myself. I’m a planner and a list maker and this was no exception. But now I should be better! Thing should go as planned! I should be better equipped!
Yeah, no, not so much.
The first hiccup was on the day of discharge from the hospital. Discharge instructions: follow up with a psychiatrist. Poof! Easy! Again, not so much. No referrals or suggestions and the doctor I saw in the hospital was a geriatric psychiatrist. Super great but also super busy. I asked flat out if he would see me and he said he only saw geriatric patients. The social worker said “oh, just tell them you were just discharged and they’ll work you in”. Who? Anyone? Everyone? Yeah…
It took two months for me see a psychiatrist. I had serious criteria though: they had to take my insurance and they had to have not treated me like shit in the past. Oh, they also had to be open to doing some crazy shit like setting up a new patient appointment with me. This immediately ruled out three doctors in my area, (one didn’t take my insurance, one was a dick to me when I tried to seek help before and one absolutely did not take insurance and charged $275 per hour. And he was booked through September). Yikes. I worked with my primary care to at least refill the medications I was prescribed in the hospital, so thank the universe for small favors.
Second hiccup: the doctor I ended up with. He was recommended by my therapist based on what previous patients had noted. Luckily for me, it seems that as I started to go to him, all kinds of garbage started getting back to her about how shitty he was. He changed my diagnosis. He took me off of drug A (of A, B and C prescribed in the hospital). Then after an initial increase , he replaced drug B and C with drug D. Drug D gave me a possible allergic reaction so he put me back on…only drug C, even though drug B and C are generally used in tandem. You lost yet? Then he added drug E. And at my last visit he took me off of drug D and E cold turkey and put me on drug F. Drug F has only been FDA approved and on the market since November 2013. This all happened within a five month span. Guess how well drug F is working?
For two weeks now I’ve been running the gamut of standard side effects: diarrhea cha-cha-cha, vomiting, diarrhea and vomiting at the same time! Another side effect is a runny nose which I totally scoffed at but paid for it when I realized that a constant runny nose puts me right back to drainage down the back of my throat and into my lungs and coughing like I have pneumonia. I did get a nice infection and while the ever loving azithromyacin did its job, the cough never went away. TMI: the kind of cough that is so uncontrollable that you pee your pants. I AM A PLEASANT AND DAINTY LADY.
Also, one of the side effects is literally “possible increases in manic behavior”. Who? Me? Totally immune to the effects of drugs, sleeping two hours a night if I’m lucky, hopping on the deck and flopping like a fish (okay, it maybe just feels that way, but constant fidgeting), racing thoughts. And let’s just put that all on top of the suicidal thoughts that I’ve been having since the ridiculous medication roller coaster starting falling off the tracks.
I have not been a silent okay, doctor, anything you say, doctor, you know best, doctor kind of patient. What I have been is a patient patient. I had to have some faith that this guy wasn’t out to kill me and I was prepared for (and terrified of) a lengthy test period to find out just the right dosages/meds that I would need. But every time I’d question something he would give me a relatively sensible answer as to why he wanted this drug or this dose or this diagnosis. I’m not a doctor so at some point I had to defer to what should have been a professional with many years of experience. I do know that he took me off of medications without even the slightest adjustment. I do know that he likes to look at his phone when I’m in his office. I do know that at some point after my hospital stay I was getting better slowly but surely but has been steadily declining and now plummeting with the addition of this new drug. I was thisclose to going back to the hospital and that was the worst feeling in the world And I do know that I am 100% done because I literally can’t even.
My primary care is not comfortable changing my medication and I respect that. I do. But I don’t have a new psych appointment until 11/24 with one of the only doctors that takes my insurance (I have United Healthcare, not some weird sold-out-of-the-back-of-a-van insurance). I am on the waiting list for the doctor that I want to see locally….in December. I’ll get a call.
So I’m doing the thing that I’m not supposed to do: I’ve stopped taking drug whatthefuckever. I’m going to see if I have enough of my old medication to get me through to the next appointment and take that. My primary care is waiting on a call back from the psychiatrist to get an opinion for dosing but who knows. I have a good primary doctor that genuinely cares if I’m well or not and he likes my jokes so he’s pretty much all I could ask for in a person that has to hear me describe pooping and peeing and puking on a regular basis. I AM A DELICATE FLOWER. Yes, I know that stopping medication suddenly is bad news, but killing myself is generally regarded as bad, too and unfortunately that’s where I’m headed if I stay on this medication. I haven’t puked in like, a whole day now and I am slowly becoming less fidgety. I’ll also have you know that I only had to change my pants twice today which is an insane improvement.
I want to blog about less dumb stuff, but oh well for now. I will eventually finish my story, hopefully not in about 65 or so more years.
I mean, I guess today is October as well. October, too. October Two.
I’m not done with my story, but I’m a real slackass if you haven’t noticed. In the mean time, let me tell you about October first. October, first.
Autumn is my favorite time of year. Period. Winter is a super close second and only gets second place because it comes so late in the year. Autumn is the time for knitting, football, pumpkin pie everything, Halloween, Thanksgiving and FOOD. The cooler weather is the herald of hibernation season and it is the time for stews and chilies. I had decided that October First would hence be known as Chili Day. Truthfully, I was planning on making chili like, every day before that day but it was so stupid hot. You can eat chili when it’s in the upper 80s, but why would you want to? Long story short: Wednesday was the first and I was bound and determined to make some goddamned chili.
And then disaster struck.
Meat, sausage, onions, and garlic in the pot. Making good sounds and good smells. Time for dry ingredients: chili powder, flour, salt, all the other stuff. Bullshit thing number 1: I was out of chili powder. What in the holy hell? I’ve got 4 lbs of meat cooking on the stove and no chili powder. I’m the worst. THE WORST.
I decide I’m going to mix the rest of the stuff so everything is ready and prepared: 1. go to the store, 2. get chili powder, 3. ?, 4. profit. Time was ticking because Wednesday is Tae Kwon Do day and chili takes forever if you want it to be chili-y so I was scrambling. Time to add the salt to the dry mix! Yay! Open the mini metal drawbridge on the cardboard can and pour. Then the real fucking disaster struck:
This. Thing. Was. In. The. Salt. The can was closed. THIS THING WAS ALIVE. Suddenly, salt. Salt everywhere. This piece of shit stink bug flew up towards my face and by sheer force of will and screaming did it fall down into the bowl again with the flour and everything else but chili powder. I had to flush a bowl of flour and bug into the toilet. I was over 9000% done. NO chili powder. The meat was cooled and put in the fridge and I made chili today sans motherfucking flying stink bug and it was delicious.
Today also marked the first trip to the eye doctor in 3 years. The glasses I have been wearing are at least one year older than that–my prescription wasn’t that different and I wore contacts most of the time so there was no real reason to buy glasses. I have been meaning to go, and I desperately needed to. I am near-sighted with astigmatism and I couldn’t see the damn cable guide from the bed. SRS BSNS. Also, as I was laying in the dark, I noticed that my right eye’s vision was obscured by a shadow. Not a floater, not a solid black, but a shadow. My left eye was fine. I panicked, looked in the mirror, shined lights in my eyes, used eye drops, sacrificed a goat–the whole nine yards. I was crying because I was sure I was going blind.
The doctor was great, checked everything, not going blind. Did not have a retinal detachment. Did not have glaucoma. Could not confirm if I saw a ghost. Two out of three ain’t bad. The astigmatism in my right eye was literally double the amount of bad it was last time (I have no idea how they measure it, but it was double) AND I could probably use some reading glasses. Yay. She was funny though, “as we become more wise…” instead of “bitch you old”. Free pair of contacts. Much like the first shot of heroin is free to try because YOU WILL DEFINITELY NEED MORE.
I have other medical conditions that can screw up my eye-bowls so I always get them dilated whether I want contact lenses or not (I doooo). It is always hilarious because I always feel like this:
For those of you with eyes that actually work, they put drops in your eyes that sting just a smidge and after about 10 minutes you can’t read a thing. Too much light going into your eye. The best part was having my seven year old was read the price tags of the frames and lamenting the cost (why are they over $200? That’s crazy!) and critiquing every pair I picked up.
Not enough color.
I also got to wear the cool sunglasses they give you when your eyes are dilated, and by sunglasses, I mean a strip of curled darkened plastic that wraps around your head. I looked awesome, as always. So all in all, a decent day.
I will update and finalize my hospital experience soon. In the mean time I’m just trying to live this life.
***I’m making this the first post in the list; for newer updates until the New Year, scroll down. I’m dumb and I don’t know how to make this a sticky post other than by changing the date. Maybe that will go on ChÜberlist: 2010.***
1. Take vitamins and calcium supplements daily.
2. Invest in a Sonic Care toothbrush.
3. Drink at least one glass of water when I wake up, at dinner and when I go to bed.
4. Use a calendar to stay on a strict skin regiment.
5. Get my first tattoo before I turn 30.
6. See endocrinologist by 04/01.
7. Hire a babysitter twice a month.
8. Schedule 5 hours into my week for uninterrupted “me time”.
9. Keep hand lotion where I actually need it.
10. Schedule 30 minutes of real exercise into my morning before work.
11. Stop using the word douchebag as a descriptive object. Ex.: He is a total douchebag.
12. Take a foreign language class.
13. Eat more ginger.
14. Learn more about natural antioxidants and incorporate 3 new foods into the family’s meal plan.
15. Make and freeze cookie dough.
16. Be brave and go to a dentist.
17. Weigh 15 lbs less than my driver’s license weight.
18. Get fitted for a bra and buy 7 new, properly fitted bras.
19. Incorporate Tim Gunn’s Ten Essential Wardrobe Elements into my closet and actually wear them: basic black dress, trench coat, dress pants, classic shirt, jeans, skirt, any occasion top, day dress, jacket, sweatsuit alternative.
20. Find a tailor and have three pieces of ill fitting clothes fitted.
21. Get pregnant before the end of the year.
22. Have gutters cleaned out on time.
23. Decorate house for Christmas during Thanksgiving weekend (both trees) and take down decorations by New Year’s Day.
24. Get an estimate for flooring replacement and stair railing replacement.
25. Plant trees along property line.
26. Spend 10 minutes a night doing a clean sweep.
27. Finish painting and decorating Josh’s bathroom.
28. Repaint Josh’s bedroom and ceiling
29. Make themed artwork for Josh’s bedroom.
30. Repaint attic room.
31. Remodel closet in attic room for business storage.
32. Buy two twin beds for attic room.
33. Paint master bedroom and bath and ceilings.
34. Install new ceiling fan in master bedroom.
35. Buy an actual dresser made of wood for my bedroom.
36. Have foyer and foyer ceiling painted.
37. Dispose of rolled up carpet in garage.
38. Have new garage door opener installed or find a 20 year old replacement remote.
39. Install overhead storage racks in garage.
40. Move electrical receptacles in laundry room to correct wall.
41. Remove wire shelves from laundry room.
42. Patch fake laundry chute opening in laundry room ceiling.
43. Remove half wall in laundry room.
44. Paint walls and ceiling in laundry room.
45. Remove all plants from around deck.
46. Start deck tear out.
47. Add 100 recipes to my recipe binder.
48. Convert all finances to QB.
49. Reduce overall credit card debt by 10K.
50. Compare and analyze 2007 vs. 2008 credit card spending by 01/31/09.
51. Have a quarterly earnings review and pay quarterly estimated taxes ON TIME for new business.
52. Save any real estate bonuses to pay 2008 tax bill due in October 2009.
53. Keep up with regular car maintenance (oil changes, tire rotations, etc).
54. Keep a bag for trash in the car.
55. Vacuum my car once a week.
56. Upgrade to a new 10mp digital camera.
57. Buy full Photoshop suite and learn photo editing.
58. Supplement income with real estate photography.
59. Work up a business plan for choo bee crafty.
60. Keep all receipts and track all expenses (business and household).
61. File bills once a month.
62. Move computer back into downstairs office.
63. Buy a laptop for bedroom.
64. Move sewing table down to den.
65. Start gift and card log for home and office.
66. Introduce client tracking/follow up system for HRN/ACA/ADA.
67. Keep a 9AM to 4 PM work schedule during off season.
68. Donate $400 in cash donations to charity.
69. Make better use of discount stores and clearance sales (Tuesday Morning/TJ Maxx/Marshalls, etc.) to shop for occasions in advance.
70. Incorporate a better coupon tracking system.
71. Cook at least three nights a week.
72. Shop no more than three times per week and do not deviate from shopping list.
73. Start shopping at Aldi’s.
74. Plan meals so food doesn’t spoil/expire/get wasted.
75. Plan and save for St. Louis vacation in May.
76. Back up all hard drives.
77. Organize saved photos.
78. Update Josh’s photo albums.
79. Finish scanning in old family photos.
80. Finish christening blanket by 02/01.
81. Learn continental knitting.
82. Knit three pairs of socks.
83. Knit a sweater of some sort (sweater vest okay).
84. Knit a pirate themed item.
85. Knit 6 more scarves to complete my week of scarves
86. Learn how to knit mittens and gloves.
87. 50% of folk shawl done.
88. 50% Nicky Epstein afghan done.
89. 25% of underwear quilt done.
90. 25% of miter square blanket done.
91. Knit Josh at least 3 hats.
92. Incorporate fair isle into three projects..
93. Track yarn stash by yardage, weight and fiber for quick reference.
94. Deplete total yarn stash by 50% before buying any new yarn. Stash to be totaled after Christmas. Commissioned items do not count as stash.
95. Design and knit anime dk beanie that I’ve been talking about for a hundred years.
96. Finish cross stitch Christmas ornaments.
97. Finish felted stockings.
98. Build proper yarn storage.
99. Make a circular knitting needle organizer.
100. Start project list to know how much/what kind of yarn I need to buy.
101. Use any yarn scraps to build up supply of knitted ornaments for sale.
102. Knit a rug.
103. Knit Halloween dishcloths for the kitchen.