Yesterday was October

I mean, I guess today is October as well.  October, too.  October Two.

I’m not done with my story, but I’m a real slackass if you haven’t noticed.  In the mean time, let me tell you about October first.  October, first.

Autumn is my favorite time of year.  Period.  Winter is a super close second and only gets second place because it comes so late in the year.  Autumn is the time for knitting, football, pumpkin pie everything, Halloween, Thanksgiving and FOOD.  The cooler weather is the herald of hibernation season and it is the time for stews and chilies.  I had decided that October First would hence be known as Chili Day.  Truthfully, I was planning on making chili like, every day before that day but it was so stupid hot.  You can eat chili when it’s in the upper 80s, but why would you want to?  Long story short: Wednesday was the first and I was bound and determined to make some goddamned chili.

And then disaster struck.

Not a catastrophic explosion or anything. I was looking for any reason to use this gif. Sorrynotsorry.

Meat, sausage, onions, and garlic in the pot.  Making good sounds and good smells.  Time for dry ingredients: chili powder, flour, salt, all the other stuff.  Bullshit thing number 1:  I was out of chili powder.  What in the holy hell?  I’ve got 4 lbs of meat cooking on the stove and no chili powder.  I’m the worst.  THE WORST.

BUT

I decide I’m going to mix the rest of the stuff so everything is ready and prepared: 1. go to the store, 2. get chili powder, 3. ?, 4. profit.  Time was ticking because Wednesday is Tae Kwon Do day and chili takes forever if you want it to be chili-y so I was scrambling.  Time to add the salt to the dry mix!  Yay!  Open the mini metal drawbridge on the cardboard can and pour.  Then the real fucking disaster struck:

THAT IS A MOTHERFUCKING STINK BUG. IT FLIES. IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING FLYING STINK BUG.

This. Thing. Was. In. The. Salt.  The can was closed.  THIS THING WAS ALIVE.  Suddenly, salt.  Salt everywhere.  This piece of shit stink bug flew up towards my face and by sheer force of will and screaming did it fall down into the bowl again with the flour and everything else but chili powder.  I had to flush a bowl of flour and bug into the toilet.  I was over 9000% done.  NO chili powder.  The meat was cooled and put in the fridge and I made chili today sans motherfucking flying stink bug and it was delicious.

Today also marked the first trip to the eye doctor in 3 years.  The glasses I have been wearing are at least one year older than that–my prescription wasn’t that different and I wore contacts most of the time so there was no real reason to buy glasses.  I have been meaning to go, and I desperately needed to.  I am near-sighted with astigmatism and I couldn’t see the damn cable guide from the bed.  SRS BSNS.  Also, as I was laying in the dark, I noticed that my right eye’s vision was obscured by a shadow.  Not a floater, not a solid black, but a shadow.  My left eye was fine.  I panicked, looked in the mirror, shined lights in my eyes, used eye drops, sacrificed a goat–the whole nine yards.  I was crying because I was sure I was going blind.

I hate this fucking eye so bad.

The doctor was great, checked everything, not going blind.  Did not have a retinal detachment.  Did not have glaucoma.  Could not confirm if I saw a ghost.  Two out of three ain’t bad. The astigmatism in my right eye was literally double the amount of bad it was last time (I have no idea how they measure it, but it was double) AND I could probably use some reading glasses.  Yay.  She was funny though, “as we become more wise…” instead of “bitch you old”.   Free pair of contacts.  Much like the first shot of heroin is free to try because YOU WILL DEFINITELY NEED MORE.

I have other medical conditions that can screw up my eye-bowls so I always get them dilated whether I want contact lenses or not (I doooo).  It is always hilarious because I always feel like this:

yeaaaaaaaaaaaah

For those of you with eyes that actually work, they put drops in your eyes that sting just a smidge and after about 10 minutes you can’t read a thing.  Too much light going into your eye.  The best part was having my seven year old was read the price tags of the frames and lamenting the cost (why are they over $200?  That’s crazy!) and critiquing every pair I picked up.

Too square.
Too round.
Too big.
Not enough color.
Ugly color.
Too OLD.

I also got to wear the cool sunglasses they give you when your eyes are dilated, and by sunglasses, I mean a strip of curled darkened plastic that wraps around your head.  I looked awesome, as always.  So all in all, a decent day.

I will update and finalize my hospital experience soon.  In the mean time I’m just trying to live this life.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s