home, life

Killin’ Time, Spiders, and Snakes

It’s currently 8:54 PM, EST and I’m waiting for the NFL season kickoff.  It’s raining and there’s a kickoff delay, so I’m waiting patiently.  NBC might have their timeline a bit off:

Sorry for the shitty photo. I’M SHITTY, OKAY?

So, while we wait, I thought I would bring up an ugly term that has been thrown around my house lately.

Copperhead nest

I’m not afraid of snakes.  Snakes are visible.  In some rattle-y cases, you can hear them coming.  I’ve had enough experiences with snakes that I have plenty of respect for them and enough intelligence to know when to kill and when not to kill.  But a nest of snakes is absolutely a whole other thing.  A whole other venomously different thing.  Between my household and my immediate neighbor, 4 copperheads have been killed in the past 6 weeks or so.  In my front yard.  Between the two kids and the dog, I just can’t handle it.  I cannot.

My house with photoshopped landscaping. I wish they had shopped in a new light bulb and some power washing.

Unseen in this heavily doctored picture (stage left) is an ‘island’ of landscaping creating a barrier between my property and the neighbor’s.  At the risk of an off color joke, the bushes are heavily overgrown.

It’s a gardenia bush.

Anyway, tl;dr: FUCKING VENOMOUS SNAKES.  I am also awash in spiders and scorpions up in here.  My old pest control company has switched to doing outside control only, for the same money of course, and we were having scheduling issues so the inside of the house hadn’t been treated in too long.  The new pest control company came out this week and I’m very happy with the inside and outside poisoning.  In addition to the lack of treatment, the landscaping has also been a factor. Holyfucksticks, the spiders.  THE SPIDERS.

Spiders outside are a problem because 1.) black widows, 2.) running into 5-foot diameter webs in the middle of the night while walking the dog, 3.) SPIDERS
Spiders inside are a problem because 1.) brown recluse, 2.) they are in my motherfucking house, 3.) SPIDERS

Factling:  when I take the dog out at night, I bring an umbrella with me and swing it around like a crazy person because of the spider webs.  Better safe and crazy looking than sorry.  Each night I think of this:

Calm Blue Oceans is awesome. Click the picture for linky goodness.

Spiders are plentiful because I’m a witch and live in a haunted house pest control has been inadequate during this unusually rainy year so there are more bugs than normal.   Spiders and scorpions eat bugs, so my house is bug free but bursting with >8<

Final anecdote before I go scream at the TV:  while escorting the snake guy around the house, we almost ran into three different giant webs.   The first two, while exceedingly large and gross, were easily dismantled by gently tapping the support lines.  No big deal.  While I was signing paperwork in the driveway, I looked up and noticed a glimmer out of the corner of my eye.  I turn to look and saw the most terrifying thing:  a thick line of spiderweb stretching from a branch on the right side of the driveway all the way to the hedges in the front of the house.  Now, my driveway is pretty standard in width–I’d guess about 10 feet wide.  So the line was nearly double that.  I pointed it out as he got into his truck and he watched me walk up to it and use my paperwork to try to knock it off the hedge.  I heard him call “Wow!  It’s still there!”

FUCK MY LIFE

I had to touch it with my HAND and it was so sticky.  Yes, I said it.  It was.  There’s no getting around it.  I had to manually take it off of the hedge and watched it slowly float down to the ground.  I waved at Jim (his name is Jim, it’s kind of rude to just keep calling him ‘the snake guy’) and said “I’m going to run away in terror now!” and scrambled into the house.  The only overly sticky webs I’ve encountered are black widow webs, but I’ve always known them to be cob-webby, not a giant sheet of horror.  Then I started trying to learn or some shit and found this interesting information about black widow webs.

I don’t really see how this is panicking. Seems carefully thought out and prudent.

Sleep tight.

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