Well fuck and a half. I’ve had a shitty
day week month life and it just is not looking up yet. I am now going to lament my stupid mom life so if you don’t want to read a whiny post, feel free to do something else. I’ve been hooked on http://thefuuuucomics.tumblr.com/; I think you’ll find it equally amusing and stupid. Like me on a good day.
———–Begin pathetic emo baby pity party—————————–
I have no friends. I have not had a friend since I’ve moved to Georgia. Nine years ago. My MIL and BIL hates me (everyone that didn’t hate me is dead). The Mr.’s friends all hate me. To the point that they’ve tried to spread lies to his family. Like big ones about me cheating or trying to push him down the stairs to kill him. Yeah. So no friends there.
My first job here I made a few friends all of which turned out to have mental problems: one was so bitter because she was divorced that she continually encouraged me to divorce my husband and never wanted to do anything with me AND my husband. The other one would tell me how her husband would beat and rape her and then the next day say how awesome he was. What stands out in my mind the most was her telling me that getting a new (used) car was “totally worth the beating”. Then I got promoted and was discouraged from having friends which didn’t matter much as all of my work friends stopped talking to me anyway.
I’ve tried to make friends with other moms at daycare but no one would talk to me AT ALL. I’d try to say hello, make small talk, compliment their kid, etc. Nothing. I even saw a woman with a shirt with a Kliban cat shirt (http://www.eatmousies.com/ <—- such a cute url!) and complimented her on it and said how much I liked those cats. She just said “heh” and walked off. This happens at the park a lot, too. I try to talk and be nice to the moms there and the nice ones are just polite and quiet (answering my question but obvious that they don’t want to talk) or just total bitches (look at me and walk away). They probably roll their eyes, too but I can’t tell.
I’ve joined forums and meetups and I just get ignored. I pick ones that are active with members so it’s not an issue of a dead forum. Just no responses to posts or requests for invite only meet ups.
At my last job, they eventually hired a girl who was my age, which I could not believe–I hadn’t worked with someone MY age in about 5 years! AND she lived super close to me! AND she had a little boy just 6 months younger than Josh! It was like a freaking dream come true. I thought we were pretty good friends and Josh even stayed with them for a couple of days while I was in the hospital giving birth to Robin. So what happened? I don’t even know. I tried to text her and call; try to set up play dates or lunches. She takes her kid to the same park that we go to. I tried to set up a play date meet up at the park a couple of weeks ago but she blew me off. Then she posted this on Facebook last night:
This was kind of the last straw. I unfriended her. It just makes me feel so pathetic, like I’m begging people to be friends with me. At what point to you give up? I probably should have a long time ago, actually. I don’t know what to say. I feel such a fucking loser. I’d say this was like high school, but I had friends in high school. And I had friends in college. And I had friends after college. I’m still friends with these people. But I move here and everything fell apart. I’ve never not had friends.
I’ve been in a total shitty funk. Crying and questioning everything about myself. What is wrong with me? Am I too fat? Too ugly? Too stupid? Too boring? Do I like the wrong things? Am I not a good parent? Do I smell? That one was kind of a joke but now I’m all freaked out. The list goes on and on.
Usually when I feel shitty like this, I can throw myself in to my craft work but last night I just sat there and cried like a big fucking baby. Because maybe I don’t have any friends because my hobbies are stupid. What’s wrong with me that I question everything I love and everything I am? It’s easy for people to know me to say that everyone else is crazy, but the factor that has remained unchanged is me. Simply put: it sucks and I hate it here.